How to cope this Christmas
The festive season is here and with it comes lots of occasions where we might be tested on our ability to set boundaries, listen to our bodies and communicate our needs. While I would hate to spoil the spirit of Christmas, unfortunately it isn’t always the most wonderful time of the year for everyone. If you are one of the lucky people that simply love Christmas and for you it is all about fun, being with loved ones and enjoying quality time and good food together, then perhaps don’t stop reading just yet. There is a good chance you know someone for whom Christmas is a challenging time for various reasons and by reading on, you might learn how to support them this year. So why is it that Christmas can be really hard for many of us and can we have a different experience this time round?
The trouble with Christmas…
Gatherings and difficult relationships
Important holidays often come with family gatherings and these aren’t always purely joyful, especially when relationships are complex, family is in some way dysfunctional or there have been recent separations. Most of us have some family members that aren’t respectful of other people’s boundaries, give us unsolicited advice or tell us how to parent our children. We often feel obligated to attend these gatherings rather than it being something we actually want to do.
Food and drink challenges
Christmas can be particularly tricky for anyone who is struggling with their body image, has a history of eating disorders or other addictions. With food and alcohol present everywhere, while navigating potentially very stressful social situations, it’s easy to relapse. It doesn’t help that we are often surrounded by more food than our bodies really need and feel pressure to look our best while others may feel it’s OK to scrutinise and comment on our appearance (even if they may believe they are complimenting us). While alcohol is legal and perhaps there is nothing wrong with a couple of drinks for some of us, people who have struggled with addictions and are working hard to stay sober, may find Christmas particularly challenging due to the normalising of increased alcohol consumption during this time.
Grief and festive times
For those who have lost loved ones, Christmas may always be challenging. It’s a reminder of our loss. Grief may resurface as we remember times spent with those we miss and we may struggle to feel like celebrating. Other types of significant losses may also pose a challenge, such as separation, having to move from a family home due to financial difficulties, misscarriage or a loss of connection with family members due to conflict or because they live far away.
Financial difficulties
Have you noticed we cannot get past October without being reminded of Christmas? Christmas is such a big commercial event that we often don’t even think about whether we want to spend money, it’s just a part of what happens. That is if we aren’t experiencing financial difficulties, which is something many more people are going through as a result of the pandemic over the last 3 years. The pressure to buy presents and make them special ones is hard to avoid. For those struggling to put food on the table every day this can lead to a significant amount of stress, feelings of shame, guilt, self-blame and depression.
Loneliness
Not everyone is surrounded by loved ones at Christmas. Whether that is because you are single, far away from home, your family have all passed away or you have lost contact with loved ones due to conflict. Christmas can be a very lonely time for some. We get bombarded by the media with messages about the happy time with close ones we are supposed to be having. This can really hit hard for those who don’t have anyone close by or in their life at all. Social media with its unrealistic presentation of what a great time we’re all having certainly doesn’t help. While it’s far from the truth, it can feel like you’re the only person who is on their own at this time.
These are just some of the challenges many people face when it comes to Christmas.
So how do we prepare and go about having a different experience this year?
How to cope…
Intentionality
Imagine there is no obligation to visit family, go to gatherings or do any particular traditional activity. Just forget they exist for a moment. Now think of Christmas how you want to experience them. Write this down and underline the most important points. Now come back to the reality of the commitments and other’s expectations. How can you implement the things that you really want your Christmas to be into your actual reality? How much time can you dedicate to the things you choose to do? Plan something that you really enjoy doing and make a point of that being a part of your holiday. Plan an adventure, video call with friends you wish were closer, consider volunteering in a homeless shelter or taking a trip somewhere exciting if you are alone. Take the time to intentionally make this holiday yours, don’t just follow the rules someone else has written.
Be prepared
Make a plan of how you can take care of yourself when things get overwhelming. Think about some of the activities that help you stay well regulated - perhaps taking small breaks from family gatherings to go outside and do a walk around the block or a nearby park. You might want to plan extra self-care in preparation for the challenges ahead - extra mindfulness practice, yoga class, massage? Read more about ‘self-regulation’ here. Think about who you will NOT get into conversations with and what you will do after an event you think you will find particularly challenging. Who can you call? Can you plan to go to the cinema with a friend? Have a quiet evening with your immediate family? Go for a long walk? What will your chosen part of that day look like? Make a point of putting aside some time for what you want to do each day, even if it is just 10 minutes in the morning.
Practice Assertiveness (even if it’s just in your mind for now)
Consider whether it is time to speak up when others cross the line of what is respectful and overstep your boundaries. Would you feel comfortable asserting yourself? If you aren't sure, you might want to play some scenarios in your head and write down your assertive response to others' comments. Assertiveness is not about changing other people’s behaviour, it’s about taking care of ourselves and giving the relationship a chance to heal. Read more about ‘assertiveness’ here. Even if you don’t end up speaking up, internally voicing what’s happening for you as a result of other’s actions, is a good start to acknowledging what’s not acceptable for you. It helps you clarify your own boundaries. Read more about ‘boundaries’ here.
Choice
While we cannot change others and we also often have little control over our circumstances, there are things we can do to influence our overall experience. As Viktor Frankl said:
“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
At any given moment, we have a choice of how we internally approach the situation we are in. We may be alone and missing loved ones, we might be in a social situation that feels uncomfortable or someone has just made a comment that hurt us. While we cannot change a lot of things about these situations, we can choose our responses to them. I might choose to not attach my own worthiness as a person to someone else’s perception of me. I could choose to acknowledge and sit with my sadness instead of hiding it or feeling guilty about not having fun. I might stop seeking approval from people who cannot provide it. I may be unsurprised by some people’s comments. I can still voice if others’ behaviour is unacceptable, but I might be able to find peace with being unable to change it and I won’t take that on as my responsibility. There is a lot of power in finding a way to live according to your own choices. It may even be choosing to go to a gathering you don’t particularly want to be at because it means a lot to someone you love. Coming from a place of that being your own choice rather than it being something you feel forced to do can make a huge difference. Read more about ‘choice’ here.
Self-compassion
Christmas is often when we spend more time in places and with people who may have taught us to be self-critical, harsh or tough with ourselves. This makes it much easier to slip into our old patterns of self-judgement and self-berating. We all tend to switch to our default settings when we are stressed or under pressure. With the Christmas spirit of kindness and generosity, see if you can turn your own support, encouragement and care inward. Notice when you’re being critical of yourself and see if you can find more gentle words. You might want to spend some time reassessing whose expectations you’re trying to meet. Are they really yours? Have you chosen them? Whose voice is it that you hear when you’re berating yourself? What would an encouraging and caring inner dialogue sound like? Can you start practising?
Some of the suggestions provided in this article will hopefully get you started on your journey. For many people that may be enough, but some may require support and guidance in navigating these complex issues and the challenges Christmas can present. Reach out to your counsellor or psychotherapist if you have one, or feel free to get in touch with Daniela.
If you are in crisis or need urgent support, do not hesitate to contact the following helplines:
Lifeline Australia: 13 11 14
Beyond Blue: 1800 51 23 48
Domestic Violence Line: 1800 65 64 63
1800RESPECT: 1800 73 77 32
Suicide Callback Service: 1300 65 94 67
If you are experiencing an emergency, or you are at an immediate risk of harm to yourself or others, please contact emergency services on Triple Zero: 000
