What are boundaries and why do we need them?

Having healthy boundaries is essential for our overall well-being. Our ability to set boundaries impacts our relationships, career, decision-making as well as our physical and mental health. People often think that setting boundaries will make them seem selfish or bossy. For many of us the fear of rejection and abandonment stops us from saying “no” at times or speaking up even though we feel strongly about something. Let’s dive into the topic of boundaries — what they are, why we need them and how to go about setting them.

What are boundaries?

Boundaries are essentially the line we draw about what is acceptable for us and what isn’t. It’s the internal signage of where I end and others begin — physically, mentally, emotionally, materially and sexually. Physical boundaries relate to touch, personal space and decisions about our body. Mental boundaries are about our opinions, thoughts, beliefs and values. Emotional boundaries help us know which emotions are ours and what’s someone else’s stuff. Material boundaries refer to which of our possessions we choose to share with others and how. Sexual boundaries include consent, knowing and communicating our desires and limits. Types of boundaries may overlap, but all boundaries help us stay safe, connected to people we choose and connected to our true self. 

Why do we need boundaries?

When our boundaries are damaged, weak or non-existent, it’s likely that we’ll struggle in a number of areas. We might find it difficult to experience a true connection with others, because they only know the part of us we choose to share with them. This is likely to be the compliant mask we put on to fit in and keep everyone happy — the part of us that likes to avoid conflict. The thing about conflict is that it cannot be avoided. By not expressing our thoughts and feelings honestly in order to please others, we’re just keeping the conflict festering inside us. Most often this leads to feelings of resentment, anger and even physical illness. We often overload ourselves with excessive responsibility along the way which causes high levels of stress. We frequently put ourselves last and feel depleted as a result. All of the above is usually accompanied by a sense of being unseen and unappreciated. 

Boundaries that are rigid or wall-like, on the other hand, aren’t the healthiest choice either. If you have built walls around you, there are probably reasons why you want to stay protected from the world. There may be some level of safety in the walls of your fortress, however, they might be keeping out everything, including things that could bring joy, purpose and meaning. You’re likely to experience isolation and loneliness, leading to the risk of depression. Nobody can visit a house that has no doors and you cannot be seen for the beautiful human you are. It is through contact with others that we experience a true expression of ourselves. Ideally, we work towards having boundaries that keep us safe, but allow enough social interaction, connection and self-expression. 

Where do I end? 

In order to set healthy boundaries, we need to know where ours actually are. For many people, figuring this out involves discovering that their boundaries are damaged, blurry or that they have surrounded themselves with impermeable walls. Working through this with the help of a counsellor or a psychotherapist can support you in making sense of how your current boundaries might be impacting your wellbeing. Therapy is also a safe place to practise healthy boundaries. Your therapist will model them to you and help you explore situations that trigger your default boundary setting with them in the therapy sessions. Having this experience and learning that you can be safe in connection with another human being, while maintaining a healthy level of separation, provides an invaluable opportunity for growth and healing. 

Setting boundaries

Having a good sense of what healthy boundaries look like for you can take some time. It involves using your ‘inner radar’ and being able to read the signals that a line has been crossed. For a while, it may be more about recognising when someone has stepped over your boundaries than being able to speak up. You might suddenly feel angry after an interaction with someone and only on reflection realise that your boundaries were violated. With time and practice, you’ll be able to notice your internal response as it’s happening. This is an important step, which then allows you to find your voice and express how you feel. 

Setting boundaries is about stating our needs, expressing our feelings and letting others know when something is not OK with us. What often gets in the way, is our fear of other people’s reaction. Although it is our responsibility to ensure we remain respectful and kind in the way we deliver our message, we cannot control how others feel about it and their emotions aren’t for us to carry. Some people don’t feel that they have the right to set their own boundaries. Others struggle to acknowledge they have their own needs separate from those of others. If this is something you’ve become aware of, you might benefit from exploring this with an experienced therapist as these could be issues that pose barriers to setting healthy boundaries. 

You have the right to have and express your needs. You also have the right to make your own choices, have your own opinions, feelings, beliefs and values. You have the right to be treated with respect, to change your mind and to say “no”. It is your right not to carry responsibility that’s not yours. You have the right to ask for help. These are just examples and you might want to add many more that are relevant to you personally. What significant right of yours do you want to remind yourself of? 

Speaking your truth might not always get you praise, but it will lead to healthier relationships, more meaningful connections with others, better work-life balance and less stress. 

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