How assertiveness helps you take care of yourself and your relationships
Assertiveness is often misunderstood and can have a bit of a bad name for itself, however, I believe it is one of the most useful life skills we can acquire. When we communicate assertively, our relationships flourish and gain depth. This includes the relationship we have with ourselves. We free up a lot of energy we would otherwise spend dealing with the consequences of our unspoken feelings and unmet needs. We give ourselves and others a chance for a positive outcome of unavoidable conflict that arises in all relationships. By respectfully and kindly speaking our truth, we build trust and heal our relationships with honesty. Assertiveness is not about getting our way or changing others behaviour. It’s about clearly and authentically expressing what’s going on for us. Here’s how it works and how you can start learning to use it in your life.
Building closeness in relationships
Assertiveness is a way of authentically and respectfully letting the people we care about know how their behaviour impacts us. It gives us permission to express ourselves and our needs with honesty and without hurting others. The goal of assertiveness is to resolve conflict in a way that allows healing and growth of the relationship. When we assert ourselves, we honour the other person’s experience as well as our differences. Assertiveness creates opportunities for negotiation and builds intimacy. When we choose to be assertive, we are saying to the other person that our relationship matters to us enough to work through the difficult stuff. Assertiveness makes a clear statement that you know your own worth and will stand up for yourself. By speaking your truth with honesty, kindness and respect, you are allowing others to know you on a deeper level.
Taking care of ourselves
Assertiveness helps us acknowledge and give space to our feelings. Finding a way to put into words how we feel and how other people’s behaviour affects us, helps us process our emotions and prevents them from building up or escalating into overwhelm. People whose feelings tend to be pushed down, rejected or ignored often find other ways to cope that might not be helpful in the long run. Many develop eating disorders or use drugs and alcohol as a way to manage their feelings. Anxiety and depression are also associated with the difficulty to connect with and express our feelings. Gaining the skill of assertive communication helps us take care of our mental health, develop healthy self-esteem and make choices that nourish us.
What can stop us from asserting ourselves?
Fear of rejection, low self-esteem and unhealthy boundaries are common barriers to assertive communication. They are connected and often stem from the way we had creatively adjusted to our life experiences. I speak in more depth about boundaries in my last blog, where I discuss how our damaged, weak or rigid boundaries may cause confusion around where we end and others begin and consequently who’s responsible for what. Many people also struggle with the idea that they have the right to their own needs, values and opinions. If this is the case for you, speaking your truth can pose quite a challenge and you might benefit from exploring some of these topics first - whether it’s through self-reflection or with a trained therapist. While we are responsible for how we communicate our truth, others’ reaction to it isn’t for us to carry. This can be challenging to digest as many people come across their urge to control how others feel about them. That can lead to people-pleasing and tension in relationships, which then result in resentment, a sense of inadequacy and loneliness.
When the message gets lost
When we are coming from a place of fear and insecurity, we’re driven by our need to control how others perceive us. The way we communicate then reflects that. If I keep saying yes to things I don’t want to do and never let people know how their actions impact me, I will probably end up feeling frustrated and resentful. I might overload myself with too many responsibilities, become stressed and overwhelmed. I am then likely to snap and communicate aggressively or engage in “silent treatment” and become passive-aggressive. If I tend to be passive, I might bottle things up and brush everything off on the outside. That puts me at risk of internalising a sense of unworthiness and becoming depressed or physically unwell. In all three cases, we’ve moved away from and perhaps even lost the message of our communication. We’re too busy dealing with the dynamics between us and the other person and there’s no room for our message in this battlefield. When we learn to tune into what’s happening for us and deliver it with honesty and respect, we are saying to the other person “here is what I want you to know”, which gives them a chance to receive what we have to say.
Speaking our truth
Respect, honesty and kindness have been mentioned plenty throughout this article. They are the basics of how we choose our words when we’re committing to assertiveness. There are a few more rules that can help us get started.
Avoid blaming.
Stick to “I statements” and own your feelings eg. “I feel angry” instead of “you make me angry”.
Focus on behaviour that’s impacting you, instead of the person eg. “When you speak to me this way” instead of “You’re so rude”.
Stick to facts and keep your message simple.
Here are some examples of expressing how someone else's behaviour is impacting me. I want them to know this because I care about our relationship and I’m not sure if they are aware of how their actions are affecting me. I also care about my own feelings and I know that if I don’t express myself, I risk feeling resentful and frustrated later, which will make communication even more difficult.
A friend cancelled our meeting for the second time in a row and I notice that I’m having strong feelings about it.
What I might say:
“When you cancel our meeting, I feel hurt, because it gives me the impression that our relationship isn’t very important to you.”A colleague speaks in derogatory terms about the receptionist at your workplace. You feel offended.
What you could say:
“When you speak this way about Jane, I feel offended, because it disrespects her and women in general”.
A helpful formula you can use to frame your statements is this:
When you… (speak to me in this manner, cancel at the last minute etc)
I feel… (hurt / angry / disrespected)
Because it seems like / gives me the idea / gives me the impression that… (you don’t respect me, care about our relationship etc.)
The first part of our statement is about describing the behaviour we’re having a response to.
The second part is where we tune in and get in touch with what it is that we’re feeling in response to the situation. We then fully own these feelings - “I feel” rather than “you make me feel”, which avoids coming across as attacking the other person with our blame.
And in the third part of the statement, we express how we’re interpreting the other person’s actions and why we’re having a strong reaction to it.
Learning to be assertive can be clumsy at first, but like everything in life, it gets easier with time and practise. We might also not always be met with the responses we’re hoping for, because not everyone in our life wants us to be empowered, confident and stand up for ourselves. By being assertive, you’re giving people an opportunity to show you whether they are willing to support your growth and wellbeing. If not, perhaps this relationship needs a reassessment. Relationships that are mutually supportive and nourishing thrive as a result of assertive communication. It’s up to us how we choose to go through life. Speaking our truth is an important part of creating a life that honours our true values and beliefs.
References:
Johnston, A. (1996). Eating in the light of the Moon. Carlsbad, CA: Gürze Books.
