The power of choice
Being aware of your choices can make a real difference in the way you interact with others, experience relationships and the overall quality of your life.
“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
— Viktor E. Frankl
Man's Search for Meaning
A door to freedom
Viktor Frankl was a neurologist, psychiatrist, philosopher, author and a founder of logotherapy, a psychotherapeutic style focused on the search for a meaning in one’s life. He was also a holocaust survivor, who wrote his international bestseller, Man’s search for meaning, in nine days. In his book he describes how he survived the horrors of the nazi concentration camps using the power of his mind. His contribution to the field of psychology and psychotherapy is unquestionable.
I grew up in a communist country and the idea of freedom always seemed a bit confusing and elusive to me. When I first came across Frankl’s work while completing my counselling degree, it made a lot of sense to me and I found it very liberating. There are definitely times in life when I become too overwhelmed or reactive and the awareness of having a choice doesn't seem available. However, there are also times when I am fully aware of making a choice. The simple fact of knowing I am choosing something makes a whole lot of difference in how I experience the situation. It feels much more empowered and there is a level of freedom that comes with the knowledge I always have a choice.
We always have a choice
Life comes with many limitations and restrictions to our freedom. Every day we face things that are out of our control, but that doesn’t mean we have no power over how they impact us. Our power lies in how we choose to approach them. Our attitude to every moment in our life is a choice no-one can take away from us. While what’s available to us in life may be limited and different for everyone, how we respond to our circumstances and to the very limitations of our situation, is up to us. The meaning we attach to a situation and how we interpret it, has a big impact on the attitude we will hold towards our circumstances. Knowing that we have a choice, even in moments that feel out of our control, can shift the way we feel about the situation and ourselves. Instead of a sense of powerlessness and restriction we are able to see things from a place of autonomy and freedom.
What choice may look in real life
This may all sound quite philosophical and could be hard to grasp. Let’s look at some examples of what choice may look like in everyday life:
Example one
If you have a small child you may feel like a lot of your time is taken up by caring for them and you will probably relate to this example. My now 5 year old son is usually pretty comfortable falling asleep by himself after we have spent some time reading books, singing songs and snuggling. But from time to time he goes through a phase when he needs me to stay close to him until he’s asleep. Not so long ago he was taking what felt like eternity to fall asleep and I found myself getting really frustrated with the situation which would repeat most nights. I felt trapped and like I was being robbed of my really needed rest time.
Then I realised that, while my frustration was valid, I had a choice. I could rest while he was taking his time falling asleep and I could enjoy the peace and quiet for my own relaxation right next to him. I recognised how my attitude towards the situation could be shifted. I couldn’t make my son fall asleep any faster, but I could choose my perception of how I spend the time waiting for him to do so.
Example 2
If you tend to get stuck in a people-pleasing mode, you may relate to this example. Your friend asked you to do something for them, perhaps to help them move house. You already agreed a while ago, but by the time you’re arriving at their place, you feel a bit funny. You’ve realised that you seem to always be helping this friend and they are rarely there for you. Because you’ve already agreed to help them, you now don’t feel like cancelling is an option or fair as they are counting on you. So, what are your choices?
You might be feeling quite resentful about all the times this friend wasn’t there for you. If this is what you’ll get stuck in, today may be a miserable time for you. You may feel trapped, sit in the victim role and feel quite powerless. You do, however, have a choice in how you’ll approach the present moment. You could recognise that being here is your own choice despite the imbalance in this relationship. You may want to make a plan to have a chat with your friend about how you feel. But, rather than seeing yourself as a victim being taken advantage of, you can acknowledge you are an equal in this partnership who has the choice to be in it as it is, speak up or leave. You may notice how different it feels to recognise you have a part to play and a choice to make.
More often than not, our fear of confrontation keeps us stuck in doing things we don’t want to do. Before you learn to find your voice and assert yourself (more on assertiveness here), your choice may be in recognising you have one. If you don’t feel supported in a relationship and you’re going along with it, there is a part you play and a choice you’re making.
Not our choice to make
Just like you wouldn’t try to make rain go away instead of using an umbrella, some things are out of our control and therefore not our choice to make. Other people’s opinions, behaviour or feelings fall into this category. While we can offer our views or relevant information, ultimately the choice of what others do with it, is theirs. Attempting to control what someone else does, not only gets messy, but can be intrusive or even abusive. You can get yourself into a real twist trying to change how someone else feels or what they value. These are not your choices to make and could cost you a lot of time and energy. Your choice is in what you do with the knowledge that someone has a different opinion than you or acts in ways you disagree with. Trying to change something that’s out of your control can leave you feeling stuck and powerless.
The awareness of always having a choice leads to a more intentional way of living. Frankl talks about a moment between the stimulus, something that initiates a reaction in us, and our response to it. That's where we get to make a choice about our attitude towards it. The next time you find yourself feeling powerless, stuck in a seemingly hopeless spot or like you have no control over the situation you’re in, see if you can insert a single intentional breath between what’s happening and your response. This single breath may be just enough space to make your choice of what you want your attitude to be.
What’s your current situation? What are the challenges you’re facing? Explore how your attitude towards your circumstances can impact your experience. Get in touch to have a chat.
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