Why setting boundaries is hard: 7 common barriers that get in the way
Learn about some of the most common roadblocks that prevent us from setting and maintaining healthy boundaries and how to start overcoming them.
The balancing act of setting healthy boundaries while remaining caring, kind, and compassionate can often appear trickier than it actually is.
Most people understand the importance of having healthy boundaries, yet many struggle to set and maintain them. You likely know that boundaries protect your energy, time, and other resources — that they support your overall health and wellbeing, and honour your needs and self-worth. Healthy boundaries communicate self-respect and help our relationships to thrive.
Despite this awareness, when it comes to actually setting boundaries, many people freeze and fall back into familiar, less helpful patterns. If you find yourself people-pleasing, overextending, feeling overwhelmed, or saying yes when every part of you wants to say no, you are not alone. Below, I explore seven of the most common barriers that can make boundary-setting feel impossible — and offer reflections on how to begin overcoming them.
1. Fear of Rejection
At our core, many of us fear that if we say “no” or put our own needs first, others will turn away from us. As social beings, we need connection to thrive, and sometimes staying close feels more important than being honest. The thought of rejection can be paralysing. Your experiences in life may have taught you that unless you put others first and dismiss your own needs, you risk not being accepted or things result in conflict. You might find yourself people-pleasing to avoid rejection — only to feel resentful, burnt out, and disconnected over time. When your needs have no space within your relationships, those connections can’t truly nourish you and they are likely to feel draining. Healthy relationships can withstand limits — in fact, they often grow stronger because of them.
Reflection point: What was the last time you tried to avoid rejection by agreeing to something that didn’t work for you, or not asking for what you needed? How did you feel as a result? Close and connected, or unseen and alone?
There are a few reasons why rejection could scare you more than other people - you can explore some of these in my previous blogs below. Read about the link between rejection and low self worth here, learn about the connection between your attachment style and your fear of rejection in this blog and find out how evolution shaped our fear of rejection in here.
2. Fear of Abandonment
This fear runs deeper than rejection—it tells us that if we assert ourselves, people may not just pull back, they may leave altogether. For those who grew up with inconsistent and complex relationships this fear can be especially strong. The thought of someone leaving can trigger a younger, vulnerable part of you. Being left alone was once a very real threat to your emotional or physical safety, and while that’s no longer the case, the fear that arises still feels real. In an effort to protect yourself from painful feelings of loneliness, hopelessness, or worthlessness, you may cross both your own and others’ boundaries — doing whatever it takes to stay close. You might also withdraw and create impermeable boundaries to avoid the risk of abandonment altogether. Both strategies often lead to the very outcome you fear the most—pushing people away and feeling lonely and questioning your own worth.
Gentle practice: Start noticing how your body reacts when you consider setting a boundary. Notice any tension, pounding heart, fear or panic. Push your feet gently and firmly into the ground. Put one hand on your chest and one on your belly. Allow your breath to do what it naturally will and remind yourself that you are no longer a helpless child. You can try saying to yourself: “Right here, right now, I am safe. I am a capable and competent adult and I can take care of myself.”
3. “They’ll think I’m selfish, arrogant, or aggressive”
Another common and powerful belief that stops many people from setting boundaries is that it would make them seem rude or uncaring. Many people worry that others will perceive them as difficult, arrogant or self-centred if they ask for what they need or decline requests that don’t work for them. In reality, boundaries can be expressed with clarity, respect and kindness. Saying “no” doesn’t mean you are rejecting a person—it means you are respecting yourself and taking care of your own needs. Agreeing to something that doesn’t work for you often results in feeling resentful, overwhelmed and exhausted. Healthy relationships don’t require us to disregard our own needs or wellbeing to please someone else. What we are responsible for is how we communicate our boundaries. When we set a boundary, we’re essentially saying to the other person: “I care about you and our relationship, so I’d rather do the hard thing and set a boundary than allow our connection to weaken.”
Reframe: Setting a boundary is not selfish; it is an act of honesty and care that helps the relationship stay healthy. Consider this: If the other person knew how you truly feel when you are agreeing to something you don’t want to do, would they still want you to do it?
4. You don’t know how to set boundaries
Sometimes the barrier isn’t fear but a lack of skill. You may have had no model of healthy boundaries growing up. The words feel clumsy, or you’re not sure how to express what you need or want. You may become anxious and your mind too foggy to put a clear sentence together. This is where practice matters. Boundaries don’t have to be long and complicated. Short and simple is what we are aiming for. It’s also important to remember that you do not need to justify yourself or explain your reasons.
Examples of clear, simple boundaries include:
“I’m not able to take that on right now.”
“I need to leave at 9 pm.”
“That doesn’t work for me.”
“I’m not available at that time.”
The more you practice setting small, everyday boundaries, the more confident you’ll become. Over time, even more complex or emotionally charged situations will feel easier to navigate. Some of the following examples might feel impossible right now, but they will become more accessible with time and practice:
“If you continue to use offensive or abusive language, I will leave the room or hang up the phone.”
“I’m uncomfortable discussing this topic with you.”
“I won’t be spoken to this way.”
“I would like you to ask me before using any of my things.”
A few key principles to remember:
Use “I” statements.
Avoid blame or criticism.
Keep your language clear, short, and simple.
State consequences when necessary.
Be consistent — honour your own boundaries and restate them when needed.
5. Low Self-Worth
Relying on external validation or approval as a compass for our value as a person is a common sign of low self-worth. If this is something you experience, boundaries might seem like a luxury you don’t deserve. You may find yourself trying to earn acceptance, attention, or affection by overextending yourself or being constantly available. You might fear that setting boundaries could lead others to reject, abandon, or dislike you. This would confirm your deepest worry of being flawed or unworthy of love.
This barrier can be painful and may require the support of a well-matched counsellor or a psychotherapist to work through, but it also carries great hope. As you heal the wounds that shaped your low self-worth and your internal sense of value strengthens, so will your capacity to set and hold healthy limits. Boundaries then become affirmations of your worth, self-respect, and dignity.
Consider this: Every time you show up for yourself, tend to your needs, speak kindly to yourself, or set a boundary, you demonstrate the parts of you who doubt your worth that you are, in fact, worthy and deserving of a good, healthy life. This is how you start to build your self-worth: through small, consistent acts of care. Can you start with one right now?
6. Feeling responsible for other people’s feelings
Many of us carry the belief that we are responsible for managing how others feel. Setting boundaries can then feel as though we’re directly causing harm or upsetting someone. Boundaries can, of course, lead to discomfort — but those feelings belong to the other person. You can care about their emotions without taking responsibility for them. The root of healthy boundaries lies in recognising what is ours and what belongs to someone else. It is our responsibility to choose our words, tone, and body language thoughtfully when communicating a boundary. How the other person receives that message, and how they feel about it, is beyond our control. They are entitled to their feelings about our boundaries. As long as we communicate with kindness and respect, we’ve done our part. You can care deeply, but if another person’s happiness becomes the driver of your choices, you begin to cross your own boundaries. Doing so unintentionally teaches others that this is acceptable to you.
Reframe: Your needs and wellbeing are your responsibility and they matter as much as other people’s feelings.
7. Conflicting values or inner ambivalence
Sometimes what gets in the way of setting a boundary isn’t fear, but a lack of clarity. You may feel conflicted about what you want or what you’re available for. You might want closeness with someone and also need space. You might want to help someone you care about deeply, yet feel too exhausted. Your body may be sending mixed signals, leaving you unsure how to respond.
A boundary can also mean asking for more time to decide. Slowing down and allowing room for both impulses to coexist can offer valuable insight. Pausing helps us become curious about the different parts of ourselves pulling in opposite directions. We can listen for their needs, desires, and fears — and gently check in with what feels most true for us in this moment.
Gentle practice: Imagine that there are different parts of you and all of them are valued and welcome. They may not always be helpful nowadays, but they were once needed and they are all trying to help you. There are no bad parts of you. Get curious about them.
Protective patterns
These barriers are not signs of weakness. They are protective patterns, often formed early in life, designed to keep you safe. With compassion, practice, and a little help, you can begin to gently take them down. Start with one small boundary this week. Notice how it feels in your body, what emotions arise, and what shifts within your relationships. Healthy boundaries are not walls that shut others out; they are invitations to show up authentically, to connect without resentment, and to protect your relationships while caring for yourself.
