How Attachment styles shape our experience of rejection
Part 2 (of 3) unpacking what’s behind our fear of rejection and how to overcome it.
Fear of rejection is a very common topic in my therapy room. In my last blog, I explored how our need to belong influences the way we experience rejection. Now, let’s take a closer look at how our attachment style shapes our relationship with rejection. Understanding the way our early experiences impact how we navigate the world can help us gain greater self-awareness and self-compassion. This fosters a softer, kinder, and more flexible internal dialogue, replacing the familiar shaming and critical one while providing stepping stones toward healthier relationship patterns.
Wired for survival
Humans arrive in this world extremely vulnerable and completely dependent on others for survival. Thankfully, evolution equipped us with essential instincts to help us along. Historically, a human infant left alone, would not survive for long. While this may not be as extreme nowadays, human babies still rely on caregivers to be fed, protected from the elements, and kept safe for several years. This information is encoded in us, instilling an innate need to stay close to a caring adult from the moment we are born. Nature helps us increase our chances of survival through our proximity-seeking behaviors and our ability to adapt to both our caregivers’ tendencies and our environment. This survival mechanism underpins the development of our attachment style.
What are attachment styles?
Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and later expanded by Mary Ainsworth, describes how our early childhood experiences with the people who care for us shape the way we connect with others later in life. Depending on how consistent, responsive, and reliable our early care was, we learn whether we can trust and rely on others. In response to how we are treated in these early stages of life, we develop behavioural adaptations that help us secure the care we need to survive. These might involve making ourselves loud and noticeable to ensure we are heard and responded to. It could also mean becoming very small and needing as little as possible in case our caregiver is dismissive or a source of overwhelm for us. We may learn that trusting others puts us at risk and internalise the belief that we are better off alone.
Attachment theory defines four main attachment styles: secure, insecure-anxious, insecure-avoidant and disorganised. These styles influence our expectations of others, relationship patterns, and whom we form connections with. Rejection can often trigger our attachment wounds, especially when our attachment style is not secure.
Secure Attachment Style and rejection
Individuals with a secure attachment style experienced consistent care, fostering a healthy sense of self and trust in others, which makes rejection less daunting for them. While they are not immune to rejection, they are equipped with more resilience and able to view it with a healthier perspective. People with a secure attachment style can usually communicate quite openly, they are able to tolerate conflict and seek support when needed. Their attachment style forms a solid foundation for building healthy relationships, and the emotional toll of rejection is typically far less significant than for those with other attachment styles.
Insecure-anxious attachment and rejection
An insecure-anxious attachment style stems from inconsistent caregiving, where a caregiver provides some responsiveness and attunement, but not enough for the infant to feel secure in their availability. Children with an anxious attachment style often seek frequent reassurance and are preoccupied with the caregiver at the expense of developing a healthy sense of self.
As adults, people with an anxious attachment style tend to be highly sensitive to potential signs of rejection. They may interpret neutral or ambiguous behaviour as signs of impending rejection, which heightens their anxiety and prompts their attempts to control how others perceive and respond to them. Minor conflicts or perceived rejection (actual or potential) can trigger distress and spiralling thoughts. Their deep fear of rejection fuels their need for external validation to feel worthy. This can overwhelm the relationship and drive others away, creating a self-fulfilling cycle of rejection and reinforcing their fear of being undeserving of love and acceptance.
Insecure-avoidant attachment style and rejection
An insecure-avoidant attachment style is shaped by early experiences of the individual’s emotional needs being dismissed or neglected. Their caregivers may have a low tolerance for emotional expression, withdrawing affection or distancing themselves in response to the child’s emotions. The message received by the infant is that their feelings are not welcome. Since expressing their needs leads to a loss of closeness with their caregiver, posing a threat to the infant's safety, they learn to suppress their needs and hide their emotions to maintain the connection.
Adult individuals with an avoidant attachment style often mask their deep-seated fear of rejection through emotional withdrawal. Rather than seeking reassurance, they protect themselves by avoiding vulnerability altogether. They often keep emotional distance, resist commitment, and downplay the importance of relationships. They might end relationships preemptively as a protective measure - as if to say: “I’ll reject you before you can reject me”. However, this defence mechanism prevents them from experiencing deep connections, leaving them feeling isolated and lonely. Despite their outwardly confident and often outgoing facade, beneath the surface they often struggle with insecurity, self-doubt and low self-worth.
Disorganised attachment style and rejection
A disorganised attachment style develops in response to caregivers’ unpredictability. They often present both a source of comfort and fear for the child. With no way of knowing what to expect at any given time, the infant remains in a constant state of vigilance. They receive confusing messages - closeness is both necessary and unsafe, leading to significant difficulties in adult relationships.
Adults with a disorganised attachment style experience a conflicting desire for intimacy and an intense fear of it. Trusting others and themselves is particularly challenging, heightening their fear of rejection. They may become unpredictable in relationships as they constantly oscillate between seeking closeness and pushing others away. Apart from their fear of rejection, many also experience a strong fear of betrayal and abandonment. Their emotional responses can be quite explosive and overwhelming. They struggle to navigate relationships and find them disorienting and stressful.
Where to from here?
If you recognize yourself in one of the insecure attachment styles, you may be wondering what to do with this information. The good news is that attachment styles are not fixed, and healing is possible. The first step is understanding how your attachment patterns show up in your adult life. Safe, consistent, and reliable relationships—whether with a partner, a friend, or a therapist—can provide powerful opportunities for healing. Cultivating self-compassion, learning when and how to trust others, developing skills to set healthy boundaries, and strengthening your sense of self-worth are all essential steps on this journey. With time, rejection can start to feel less life-threatening and more like an unpleasant but manageable setback.
