Is your people-pleasing keeping you lonely?

Find your way from approval-seeking towards authenticity, genuine connection and meaningful relationships.

If you are reading this article, you’re most likely quite aware of your people-pleasing tendencies. You might twist and change yourself from moment to moment to fit other people’s expectations. You push your own needs aside in order to meet everyone else’s. You may have even made it your responsibility to figure out what others want or need, regardless of whether they ask for your help or not. Perhaps you tell yourself that you’re simply a genuinely nice and selfless person. I’m sorry to break it to you, but people-pleasing isn’t about being caring or kind - and complete selflessness doesn’t lead to healthy relationships or feeling accepted and liked. Let’s explore what may be driving your people-pleasing behaviour and how it contributes to persistent feelings of loneliness.

People-pleasing as a way to avoid rejection and abandonment

People-pleasing is a pattern of interacting with others that’s driven by a fear of rejection and the need for external approval. Your fear might tell you that if you don’t put others first, they may dislike or reject you, and you will end up alone. For those who struggle with low self-worth, as is often the case for people who engage in people-pleasing, rejection can feel like proof of being unworthy of closeness (more about self-worth) This often stems from insufficient attention and validation from caregivers when our sense of self was developing in childhood. If your inner sense of worthiness is lacking, you may find yourself constantly seeking external confirmation that you are “enough”. You’re then willing to do whatever it takes to get it. Unfortunately, when validation, acceptance and approval are gained through people-pleasing, the feeling rarely lasts and usually comes at a high cost. 

Why people-pleasers try to control how others see them

You may not appreciate the association of the word control with your behaviour. After all, when you people-please, you’re just trying to do whatever it is that others want, right? Yes - and, if you’re honest with yourself, you’re probably also hoping you’ll receive something in return. Perhaps you hope that by always saying “yes” and putting others' needs first, you’ll gain acceptance and closeness. In that case, your goal is actually to influence what others think of you and how they feel about you. This is much less about selflessly being there for others than you might like to admit. While it’s completely understandable to want to feel liked and connected, this manufactured effort to form and maintain relationships is unlikely to feel meaningful in the long run. Relationships that lack mutual honesty, trust, respect and support rarely lead to genuine connection. What you’re much more likely to experience as a result of people-pleasing is resentment.  

How people-pleasing leads to resentment

In her book, Atlas of the heart, the researcher and author Brené Brown describes resentment as an emotion we often feel when we don't set healthy boundaries or ask for what we need. She also highlights that resentment arises when we base our expectations on things we can’t control, such as other people’s thoughts, feelings, or reactions. Ignoring your own needs to meet someone else’s may be a sign of poor boundaries (more about this in my last blog) or you might be completely unaware of what your needs are. In the process of putting others first, you abandon yourself. This sends an internal message that you are unworthy of your own care and kindness. You might feel terrified of others’ displeasure or disapproval and hope that keeping everyone happy will protect you from what can feel like unbearable discomfort. All of this takes a lot of energy, time and effort. When it doesn’t work, resentment builds. You might find yourself thinking “I do so much for you and you still don’t choose me, see me, or appreciate me”. Witnessing other people put themselves first, something you find very scary and secretly both judge and envy, can be equally hard to tolerate. Built-up resentment may lead to bitterness and passive-aggressive behaviour, which pushes people away and weakens connection. 

How people-pleasing leads to loneliness

Why is it that, despite all your efforts to gain others’ acceptance, you feel lonely much of the time? When you people-please, you suppress your authentic self - often out of fear that if you show up as your whole self, others won’t accept you. Rejection or the possibility of a relationship breakdown feels intolerable, so you shapeshift into whatever it is you believe others want. When we’re not truly ourselves, our connections remain superficial. While it may feel like a safer approach, leaving your true self out of your relationships prevents genuine connection. The whole, authentic you never feels seen and therefore can’t experience real acceptance. Your connections lack depth and feel conditional. When we feel unseen in our relationships, we can become isolated and lonely even when surrounded by people. Over time, we struggle to recognise what is authentic and become disconnected from ourselves as well as from others. This only deepens the sense of isolation and loneliness.

How to stop people-pleasing and build healthier relationships

Meaningful and fulfilling relationships require us to embrace our imperfect humanity with all our needs, wants, desires and flaws that make us who we are. Removing the masks we learnt to wear for protection can feel scary. People-pleasing might seem like an effective strategy for preventing rejection and loneliness and perhaps, at some point in your life, it was. Now, however, it’s likely standing in the way of the closeness you’re longing for. With the right support, you can get to know yourself better, understand your needs and start taking care of them. They are your responsibility, unlike the needs of others. This will help you learn to set and maintain healthy boundaries - an important life skill and one of the essential keys for creating nourishing and supportive relationships. With the guidance of a well-trained psychotherapist or a counsellor, you’ll begin turning inward rather than outward for validation and direction. Your connections will start to feel more natural and authentic once the real you shows up. 

If this topic resonates with you and you would like to start your people-pleasing recovery journey, please get in touch. I would love to hear from you.