Are you haunted by your fear of rejection? Blame evolution.
This blog is a part 1 of a 3-part series on the fear of rejection.
Most of us are familiar with how painful rejection can feel. For some people, however, the mere idea of rejection is so intolerable that they go to great lengths to avoid it. This may be by engaging in people-pleasing, self-sabotage, avoidant behaviour, problematic boundaries, or a constant need for reassurance and external validation. These patterns often hold us back from meaningful relationships and a fulfilling life. One major driver behind this fear is our deep-seated need to belong.
The need to belong - how evolution shapes our fear of rejection
Throughout our evolution as a species, humans have developed a deeply ingrained instinctive need to belong to a group or community. Historically, being a part of a group meant better resources, more protection from predators and support with caring for infants. Staying within the safety of the tribe provided better conditions for thriving and, on many occasions, was a question of life or inevitable death. This meant that natural selection started to favour individuals equipped to form and sustain good relationships with others. Our need to belong therefore became an inherent part of the human experience.
Fear of rejection as a survival mechanism
Because of these deeply encoded messages about the importance of being a part of a group, anything our brain perceives as a threat to our belonging, can set off the alarm bells. These are a part of our internal monitoring mechanism scanning for any cues to possible rejection which could result in exclusion. (Your attachment style can shape how you respond to rejection. Read more about that here). Today, our need for belonging manifests in our desire to fit in and feel accepted. While the fear of rejection can feel overwhelming to a point of paralysing us, not being a part of a particular group does not usually pose a threat to our survival in the modern world. Most of the time, it is a perceived danger our brain is trying to protect us from. Unfortunately, our brain responds to perceived threats the same way it does to real ones. This is particularly tricky in an age of frequent digital presence, where the lines between reality and perception are increasingly blurred.
Social media and amplified rejection sensitivity
Social media amplifies our experience of rejection by providing constant exposure to comparison, assessment and judgment. Online platforms are a breeding ground for perceived and actual rejection. Spending time in this environment increases our need for external validation and creates unrealistic expectations through witnessing idealised versions of other people’s lives. This reinforces negative thoughts and self-beliefs, leading to low self-esteem and creating a cycle of searching for more validation from others as a result (learn more about Building healthy self-worth here). Frequent exposure to rejection triggers online can lead to emotional fatigue and heightened sensitivity to rejection in our offline interactions. This can result in elevated social anxiety and fear of disapproval in general.
Stepping out of the fear driven pattern
Becoming aware of where our fear of rejection stems from can help us manage it differently in the future. Recognising its natural protective origin can support us in moving away from self-blame and shame and towards self-compassion and curiosity. From here, we can look for ways to regulate our fear-related physical responses and challenge our negative thoughts and beliefs. Building healthier coping strategies becomes more achievable once we understand what’s behind our less helpful relationship patterns and start recognising when we are engaging in them. Not every group, community or a relationship is a good fit for us. Rejection can sometimes guide us towards people and spaces that better align with our values and appreciate us the way we are. Although rejection is a part of life and we can’t avoid it, learning to better understand ourselves will help us start experiencing it as an unpleasant set-back rather than a threat to our existence.
In the following blog you can read about the way our attachment styles also shape the way we respond to rejection. Discover how anxious, avoidant, and disorganised attachment influence rejection in this blog: How Attachment styles shape our experience of rejection.
In the last blog of this 3-part series, I explore how low self-worth and our need for external validation influence fear of rejection. You can read about this perspective on rejection here: Self-worth: A key factor in our fear of rejection.
Reach out if you’d like to explore your fear of rejection with the support of an experienced therapist.
