Self-worth: A key factor in our fear of rejection

Part 3 (of 3) unpacking what’s behind our fear of rejection and how to overcome it.

I have long been intrigued by the fear of rejection and its impact on people. This internal response to sometimes seemingly ordinary interactions can send some of us spiralling into doomsday thinking and prevent us from forming healthy relationships. Why does this happen, and what can we do about it? Welcome to the last of three blog posts, in which I unpack what I consider the three main factors of the fear of rejection. In the first two blogs, we explored its link to our evolutionary need to belong and examined how our attachment styles shape our experience of rejection. In this blog, we will focus on the connection between the fear of rejection and our self-worth.

The link 

One of the reasons many people try to avoid rejection at all costs is directly linked to their self-worth. For those who doubt their own worthiness, rejection can feel like a confirmation of their deepest insecurities. It reinforces their perceived flaws and triggers intense feelings of shame. These feelings likely stem from negative childhood experiences, such as misattuned parenting, abuse, adversity, relational trauma, or bullying. Frequent criticism from caregivers, a lack of emotional support, an achievement-focused upbringing or growing up with emotionally immature parents can all contribute to the development of low self-worth.

Signs of low self-worth

Recognising the deep roots of your fears can help you gain compassion for yourself. It is understandable to want to avoid the pain rejection causes. There may be a part of you that attempts to control certain situations or their outcomes in order to protect you. This can show up as people-pleasing, conflict avoidance, or withdrawing socially and isolating yourself. Struggling to set boundaries or taking on too much and feeling overwhelmed as a result, are also common signs of low self-worth. Sometimes, our lack of self-worth manifests in more concealed forms, such as resistance to taking healthy risks, an intense fear of failure, a strong need for external validation or an excessive focus on achievements. 

Born worthy

The good news is that our worth is not determined by other people’s opinions of us or by what we have achieved in life. We are all innately worthy and deserving of our place in this world. We are not meant to earn acceptance and love through our accomplishments or by conforming to someone else’s prescribed ideal. One person’s rejection does not define our worth as a human being.

Unmet needs

This may not resonate with you if it doesn’t align with the messages you received growing up. However, the fact that you weren’t raised in a way that affirmed your worthiness does not prove you are unworthy. Rather, it is a sign that your needs were not met—not necessarily due to a lack of love or care, but perhaps because your caregivers lacked the resources, skills, or capacity. Acknowledging your unmet needs and their validity can help you begin your healing journey.

Look inward

When our sense of worthiness depends on others’ perceptions of us, our achievements, or external validation, we become disempowered. We hand over our personal power to others—power that doesn’t belong to them and that they may not even want. Recognising your outwardly focused search for confirmation of your own worth is a crucial step. Other people’s thoughts, feelings, and actions are completely beyond our control. If you often find yourself attempting to manage them, acknowledging this pattern will support you in shifting your focus inward and moving towards building a strong sense of self-worth from within.

Where to begin

You are worthy and deserving of a good, healthy life. Having your needs met and being treated with respect is a part of that. Think about how you tend to treat yourself. Show yourself that you are worthy through expressions of self-compassion, acts of self-care, setting healthy boundaries, or choosing to meet your own needs instead of overriding them out of fear of rejection. Every time you do, you are investing in your self-worth.

Strengthened from within

Imagine your self-worth as a jar. With every act of self-worth, you’re adding a little marble, shell, or coin into your jar. Over time, this jar will continue to fill until it becomes full and heavy. By then, it will be impossible to knock over or wobble. Other people’s opinions or poor behaviour toward you will no longer have the power to unsettle your sense of worthiness. Rejection will almost certainly never feel pleasant, but it is less likely to impact the way you relate to others when it is not directly tied to your self-worth.

Rooted in evolution and early childhood experiences, the fear of rejection is a survival mechanism that no longer serves us well. By recognising this and tending to the younger parts of ourselves whose needs were unmet, we can begin the healing journey. Most of us need support along the way, as wounds sustained in relationships are best healed within relationships.

Feel free to reach out if this text resonates and you would like some support.