Is this Love?
10 early warning signs you could be in an abusive relationship.
It’s Valentine's day and love is in the air. There’s flowers, chocolates, love hearts and perhaps even surprise proposals. If you are in a fairly new relationship that seems to be progressing very quickly, this article might be of interest to you. There are early signs of abusive behaviour that are worth being aware of if romance has swept you off your feet recently. Seeing the world through rose coloured glasses makes it easy to miss the red flags.
Here are some of the things to look out for.
They are moving very fast 🚩
Your partner might be suggesting moving in together within months of meeting you, pressuring you to get married or even have children soon. Things that are harder to walk away from and therefore give the abuser certain control over you by locking you into commitment. Sometimes things move quite quickly, but it feels like they are just naturally falling into place and it feels right. Listen out for any sense of too much too soon, feeling overwhelmed or pressured. This is when you want to be on the lookout and listen to your instincts.
They want to know about everything you do 🚩
Is your new partner checking in with you numerous times a day, asking you what you’re doing and who you’re with? At first, this may seem like they are just really into you and want to get to know you better. However, sending you messages every hour, calling three times a day or showing up at your workplace unannounced is a definite sign of possible trouble. If you’ve started to feel uneasy when this happens, it all seems a bit too intense and you’re uncomfortable pointing it out, it’s a real red flag.
They discourage you from spending time with your friends and family 🚩
Abusers will often point out things that are wrong about your existing relationships and why you don’t need these people in your life now that you’re together. They’re trying to disconnect you from your support network, so that you become isolated and easier to control. By weakening your connections with your friends and family, you become more socially dependent on them and that gives them power over you.
They buy you expensive presents, shower you with compliments and piles of attention 🚩
Sounds like a dream? Maybe, but you might notice a gut feeling that’s telling you this is all a little excessive. Abusers often use this tactic to manipulate you into feeling like you owe them something. They took you to an expensive restaurant the other day, so you feel you shouldn’t make a big deal of them just turning up at your place when it doesn’t suit you. They gave you a new iPhone, so you feel like you have to answer all their calls. They want you to feel obliged to say yes to their requests as a result of this constant influx of gifts and attention. You might find yourself saying yes to things you don’t want to do, whether this is about how you spend your time or what you do in the bedroom. They’re building a golden cage around you. It looks pretty, but it’s very unhealthy inside.
They try to influence how you look and spend your time 🚩
This often links to the previous point as they might purchase clothes for you, gym memberships, a new bike or take you for a make-over to their friend’s fancy hair-dresser. Essentially, they are turning you into who they want you to be, disconnecting you from your true self, which is disempowering. You might find yourself thinking that the way you are is not good enough and your confidence will start to weaken. Your lowered confidence and undermined self-esteem is exactly what an abuser wants. It’s a perfect recipe for them gaining power and control over you.
They fill up your social calendar 🚩
Does your partner frequently arrange for both of you to meet with people of their choice in places they decided? Do you suddenly feel like you have to ask them if you’re free when you want to organise something for yourself? There might be very little room left in your diary to do anything with your friends and family. This is another tactic aiming to disconnect you from your social network and supports. It leads to isolation and disempowerment. They are also building a picture of you as a perfect couple and themselves as an ideal partner. It will be hard to believe they could do anything wrong after this perfect happy couple image of you two is well established.
They want to have shared finances and assets early on 🚩
This is a big red flag and yet so many abusers are very skilled at tricking their victims into believing that they are helping them out. Buying a car together could be a nice idea, but watch out what you’re signing up for. Are you locking yourself into a joint contract and making yourself dependent on your partner’s decisions in some way? Are they offering to financially take care of you and suggesting you quit your job? You could become financially dependent on your partner or rely on their permission to move money or use your assets. You can see how this is a big fat red flag.
They need loads of validation and constant reassurance 🚩
They frequently ask you if you like or love them and often want to be reassured of this. They want you to be very vocal about how much you enjoy the things they do and get upset if you aren’t. You might start to feel guilty when they do something and you aren’t very expressive about liking it. Soon you feel like you’re walking on eggshells trying to always make sure you’re letting your partner know how much you appreciate them. It’s not your job to make someone feel good about themselves and if they’re trying to make it your responsibility, they are being abusive.
They don’t take “no” for an answer 🚩
Do they get upset when you set boundaries? What’s their reaction if you decline their invitation to a weekend getaway because your friend is having some problems and you want to be there for them? Do they remind you how your friends never do anything nice for you. Or do they try to manipulate you into going anyway? Have they ever ordered you a drink when you said you didn’t want one and assumed you’d have it anyway? Are there other things you said “no” to but they pressured you into doing them anyway? You might notice you feel quite uncomfortable about the experience afterwards. Red flag!
They have nothing nice to say about their ex-partners 🚩
Does it seem like they are blaming their ex-partner for all their past and present problems? Abusers will often shift responsibility, distributing blame for their own actions around. Like blaming their partner for getting a speeding ticket, because “they made them so angry” that they didn’t realise they were going too fast. Talking about former partners in a disrespectful way and calling them names is a big red flag for you.
If any of this sounds familiar, you might want to reassess how quickly you’re committing to this relationship. Check-in with yourself about how much time you’ve spent in your social network of friends since you met this person. What’s your gut instinct telling you? Abusers engage in tactics that help them gain power and control over you. Isolation and secrecy is at the top of their list and they will manipulate you into becoming more and more disconnected from your supports. Call your friends and family. Spend more time with them and talk to them openly. Having a network of people who care about you is what will help you take your power back. You might also want to talk to a counsellor about this experience to help you process it and understand what could be making you vulnerable to potential predators in the future.
Get in touch to talk about your experience or anything else you’re struggling with.
If you think your relationship is showing these and more signs of abuse, please go to 1800RESPECT or call 1800737732 for free support from a trained counsellor.
If you are scared of your partner, feel threatened or fearful for your safety, call the Police now.
