Embracing responsibility is a pathway to freedom, authenticity and deeper connections with others

While it may feel scary at first, becoming aware of your responsibility over the choices you make in life is empowering and leads to more authenticity, freedom and deeper connections with others. 

Freedom and responsibility are essentially two sides of the same coin. In my last blog, The Power of Choice, I talked about our choice of attitude towards any given situation. Being free to choose our approach to each moment in our life allows for a lot of freedom. However, this freedom comes with the responsibility for the choices we make and their consequences. This responsibility is something people aren’t always prepared to take on. It is often easier to blame someone or something external for what’s going on in our life. What I often notice in counselling sessions with my clients is how this contributes to feelings of ‘stuckness’, hopelessness and the repetition of unhelpful patterns. It may be convenient to redirect the responsibility for our choices, but what we’re handing over with it, is our autonomy and freedom.

How we avoid responsibility with our words

The language we use can be a powerful tool for truly embracing our freedom. Nevertheless, we often use words that deny our own choice without being aware of it. Expressions such as “I can’t” instead of “I won’t” or “I should” rather than “I will”, imply you have no choice in making this decision and you’re not responsible for it. It sounds as if someone or something external is making you without you having a say. Who or what is it? How are they making you? Perhaps this is something that is dictated by the circumstances, social norms, other people’s expectations or rules that you set for yourself. There is still a choice you get to make about how you respond to the situation at hand. Notice the next time you’re about to say “I can’t” or “I should” and see if you can become aware of a choice you’re making. Try rephrasing these words to something that will better express your ownership of your choice. You may have a very different experience — one that feels much more empowering and authentic. You might even change your mind and make a different choice altogether once you allow yourself to own the responsibility over it. We are not powerless recipients of our fate. We have choices, we have a say and we have responsibility. 

How we avoid responsibility with our actions

Often it is what we do, rather than say, that shifts the responsibility for our choices onto someone else. Consider someone who is always criticising their partner, frequently letting them know how they’re simply not good enough. While they are busy pointing the finger at their partner, they refuse to look at their part of the relationship and the choices they are making. Including the choice to stay with someone who seems to be unable to meet their needs. Eventually, the criticised partner will, most likely, end the relationship. The critical ex-partner may present themselves as very hurt by this sudden, unexpected break up, initiated by the other party. The reality is, they played a major role in how things unfolded and they are responsible for their part. 

Another example is someone who blames their lack of time for self-care, study or exercise on always being busy with commitments to friends and family. There certainly are limitations that come with parenting and being a reliable friend others can count on. However, we have a choice in what we agree to and how much of our time gets dedicated to other people. If we don’t communicate our needs and wants to our loved ones, they may never know what’s going on for us. It’s not their responsibility to read our mind and guess our needs. We have no control over other people’s reactions, but asking for what we need is both our right and responsibility.

What we gain by accepting our responsibility

When we accept the responsibility for our own choices, we become open to learning about our role in the struggles we face. This allows us to gain a deeper understanding of how our choices impact the life we’re creating for ourselves. This awareness comes with the power to make new choices and gain agency over one’s life. It’s being in the driver’s seat, rather than feeling powerless and thrown around by life’s circumstances.

Openly accepting our self-responsibility also allows us to get closer to the people in our lives. When we stop looking for someone to blame, we free up more space for connection. This is significant in intimate relationships, friendships, family matters and in the workplace. When we aren’t prepared to take responsibility for our own choices we often place it on someone else, which results in unhealthy dynamics or even abusive behaviour.

Avoiding responsibility by convincing ourselves that we have no choice can keep us stuck in situations that really aren’t working for us and living inauthentically. Disowning one’s choices and the responsibility for them might be all we know and all that has ever been modelled to us. Topics like these are not exactly a part of the school curriculum and it can take a bit of work to get your head around them. A well-trained counsellor or a psychotherapist could help you navigate this journey. Learning to take the lead in your own life may not be easy or pain free, but it allows for a lot of freedom, authenticity, passion and joy.

If reading this brought up some confusion or you’ve realised that you struggle with the idea of taking responsibility for your choices in life, there is probably a reason for that. You may need some help figuring this out, so go gently and don’t go it alone. 

Get in touch to explore your relationship with choice, responsibility and freedom.

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