How to find closeness in relationships without losing yourself
3 essentials of authentic and meaningful relationships.
Most of us desire closeness and depth of connection in our relationships—relationships that are “real” in their essence. Connections where we feel seen, fully ourselves and accepted. Do you often find yourself consumed by your relationships, disconnected from your true self and dissatisfied with the quality of your connections with others? Learn about the three instrumental aspects of human interactions that lead to authentic and meaningful relationships.
Increased self-awareness
To connect with others authentically, we need to understand ourselves. This involves a level of acceptance of who we are, with all the flaws and imperfections that being human entails. When we can embrace who we are, we give others a chance to connect with the real us. For many people, this idea brings up a sense of vulnerability, as it may feel like giving up some control over how we present ourselves to the world. We will get to that shortly, but for now, let’s focus on how to actually get to know ourselves better.
Becoming more aware of our values, desires, passions, and beliefs is an important part of learning more about ourselves. One of the best ways to access this information is through our emotions. Emotions literally inform us how we feel about things in life. When we feel angry, it may be because we are passionate about something or our boundaries have been crossed. Our sadness can tell us about something we value deeply. Envy may be saying we desire something someone else has. Disgust shows us we dislike something or find it offensive. Joy signals to us that we like or love something or someone. Emotions usually present in the body together with certain physical sensations or urges to move. To decode what our emotions can teach us about who we are, it’s important to get curious about them. Feeling our emotions without judgment or censorship supports us on our journey of becoming more self-aware.
Embracing vulnerability
Our increased self-awareness allows us to better communicate with others and show up fully in our relationships. When we know what’s happening for us—how we feel, what we need and want—we can then let others know. Doing so with honesty, despite what others may think of us, may evoke a sense of vulnerability. It also shows we are willing to take the risk to show up as the whole person we are, instead of chosen parts we may deem more acceptable. We certainly don’t need to be exposing our deepest wounds to the entire world. It is those who have earned our trust that we allow ourselves to be vulnerable with. In turn, our vulnerability then also builds others’ trust in us.
While it may come with a hefty dose of discomfort, especially at first, embracing vulnerability enables us to connect with others on a deeper level. There is no question that it takes courage. In fact, to quote the vulnerability expert, researcher, and author Brené Brown:
“Vulnerability is not a weakness, it’s our greatest measure of courage”
Brené Brown, Atlas of the Heart
Our openness and honesty show that we accept ourselves with all our imperfections, which shows others it’s safe for them to do the same. Vulnerability helps to resolve conflict by addressing issues openly without engaging in power games or ineffective communication styles. It allows us to own our mistakes, learn from them, and grow. In essence, vulnerability breaks down barriers and cultivates an environment of trust, empathy, and authenticity.
Healthy Boundaries
The relationship expert, psychotherapist, and bestselling author Esther Perel defines boundaries as “a safe container.” Healthy boundaries are about knowing where I end and the other begins. It also means being clear on what I’m comfortable with, what I’m available for, and what works for me. To be in a relationship with someone, we need to be our own separate individuals with our own needs, thoughts, beliefs, ideas, feelings, hopes, and desires. From a place of knowing ourselves, what is ours, and what we are responsible for, we are able to connect with another person without taking on what’s not our job to carry.
When our boundaries are blurred, damaged, or wall-like and impermeable, we may struggle to experience a true connection with others. We are either taking on too much responsibility for what’s not ours, such as other people’s choices, feelings, or behavior, or we may block connection to those we actually want in our lives. We might also place expectations on others to meet needs that are our own responsibility and then become bitter and resentful when this doesn’t happen. In her bestselling book Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself, the boundaries expert, therapist, and author Nedra Glover Tawwab says:
“Boundaries are the cure to most relationship problems.”
Nedra Glover Tawwab
Healthy boundaries help us to be clear on what’s our part in a relationship, which makes it easier to effectively communicate our needs and desires. Healthy boundaries allow for simultaneous freedom and closeness in our relationships.
Self-awareness, vulnerability, and healthy boundaries are three intricately interlinked requirements for creating authentic and meaningful connections. When these three elements of human interactions are present, we are well equipped to experience closeness rather than enmeshment or codependency. There are many reasons why embracing your true self with acceptance, allowing yourself to be vulnerable with your loved ones, or setting and maintaining healthy boundaries may be difficult for you. Many of us need help figuring out how to relate to others in a healthy way, especially if this wasn’t taught or modeled to us in our family of origin. Becoming aware of your struggle and identifying your need for support is the first step toward your desired goals.
Get in touch if you’d like to find out more or reach out for support.
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