Become friends with You
Why befriending yourself is the first step toward healthier, more connected relationships.
As we enter the second month of the year, many of us are wondering what it will bring. We may feel hopeful, weighed down by dread, or caught in the ever-present uncertainty that has become a part of life over the past two years. Everyone deals with life’s challenges differently, but many people find that setting goals and intentions can help. Did you make any New Year’s resolutions? Are you still on track with them, or have they already fallen away? Either way, I invite you to make befriending yourself the one focus for this year — especially if you are longing for happier, healthier, and more authentic relationships.
Many people come to counselling feeling stuck in their relationships — longing for closeness but getting in their own way of experiencing it. They may find themselves people-pleasing, withdrawing, or repeating painful patterns that leave them feeling unseen and disconnected. A core part of this struggle often lies in the relationship we have with ourselves. Becoming a good friend to yourselves is the foundation to your relationships with others. This inner work can profoundly change how you experience your relationships and open space for greater intimacy, authenticity, and connection.
All parts of you matter
For many of us, identifying what we want or need can be very difficult. The majority of my clients struggle to even ask themselves such questions when they first arrive in therapy. They are aware of finding it really hard to navigate relationships and have no idea why. My invitation to explore what they may want or need seems like a very foreign concept to them at the start. It often takes time, but eventually they start including themselves in the picture of their own life.
Because of our innate need to belong and our complete dependence on caregivers when we first come into the world, we learn to adapt to our environment in order to survive. This often involves moulding ourselves into what is expected of us and leaving behind parts of ourselves that don’t quite fit into the picture. If these parts of us aren’t valued, we start to believe that they aren’t actually valuable or even acceptable. Our own values and beliefs are formed largely based on our early experiences. Our values and beliefs then influence our choices and what we strive for in life.
When your goals in life are based on someone else’s ideas of who you should be, your chances of feeling fulfilled are slim. Even when you reach your goals, it often feels like something important is missing or that it’s somehow not enough. This can be very frustrating and disorienting. If you’re not sure what you want in life, it’s time for a self-discovery mission.
Getting to know yourself
Becoming friends with yourself isn’t about fixing what’s “wrong” — it’s about learning to understand and accept every part of you, including the ones you’d rather hide. Often, these hidden parts are connected to your relationship history and early experiences and they have a role they play. In psychotherapy, we explore what function such parts of you may have and how they learnt that this was necessary. Gaining awareness of how these patterns formed and how they play out now often leads to great shifts in self-acceptance and self-compassion.
Perhaps you learned to stay quiet to avoid conflict because that was what kept you safe. Or it was necessary to always meet others’ needs and push away your own in order to maintain closeness with your caregivers. This may now be showing up in your relationships as chronic people-pleasing and difficulty with setting healthy boundaries. Getting to know yourself helps you see these patterns and learn how to make different choices, both for yourself and in your relationships.
How you treat yourself
Your internal dialogue and how you treat yourself, impacts the way you show up in your relationships and the choices you make in life. Try listening in rather than ignoring, dismissing or judging what’s happening for you internally. Our increased awareness itself often instigates change. It also offers opportunities for developing different coping strategies and self-care tools. There is no right or wrong way to feel. See if you can notice and observe what you experience in your body and what thoughts you are having. What you are feeling is always valid, however our minds are creative and come up with a lot of stories. Often our inner critic has a lot of harsh things to say. If yours is a loud one, this may be something to seek support around from a well-matched psychotherapist. With their help you can learn more about the way you give yourself a hard time and work towards a gentler and more supportive relationship with yourself. How you treat yourself directly reflects in your relationships with others. Becoming more self-accepting and compassionate improves the way you connect with the people around you.
The path to connection
Befriending yourself isn’t always easy — especially if ignoring your own needs or criticising yourself has been all you have ever known. However, this may be one of the most powerful steps you can take if you long for more meaningful relationships. Being more accepting of yourself exactly as you are, is more likely to bring about change than any efforts to become who you think you should be.
Psychotherapy offers a safe, supportive space for exploration. Together, we can uncover the patterns that keep you stuck, help you reconnect with yourself and start building relationships that feel nourishing, safe, and authentic.
If you liked this article, you may also enjoy the following blogs:
Authenticity: Embracing who you are.
Your body’s voice: Letters from your authentic self.
Contact Daniela to find out more about how you can become friends with you.
