Become friends with You
Why befriending yourself could be the one thing to focus on this year.
As we launch into the second month of this year, many of us are wondering what it will bring. We may be feeling hopeful, experiencing dread, or the ever-present uncertainty that has become a part of life over the last two years. We all deal with life’s challenges differently, but a lot of people find having goals and intentions helpful. Did you set any New Year’s resolutions? Are you on track with them or have you ditched them already? Whichever way it is, I invite you to consider befriending yourself to be the one thing you focus on this year. Here’s why.
The trouble with knowing what you want
If the people and circumstances in your life didn’t encourage or allow you to develop your own identity, figuring out what you really want can be a struggle. Not feeling valued and appreciated as the whole and authentic you impacts your relationship with yourself. Humans have an innate need to belong and fulfilling it sometimes means a lot of adapting in order to “fit in”. This often involves giving up parts of your true self along the way. It may impact your beliefs, the choices you make and the goals you set for yourself. If your goals in life are based on someone else’s idea of who you should be, your chances for success aren’t going to be great. Even if you reach your goals, you probably don’t enjoy your achievements and may feel like something important is missing. This can be really frustrating, even painful. If you’re not sure what you want in life, it’s time for a self-discovery mission.
Getting to know yourself
Sometimes learning about yourself can be a little bit like getting to know a grumpy next door neighbour, who you’ve been choosing to avoid. You may be making assumptions about who they are and how there is something wrong with them. If you were to spend some time with them, you might realise that they are just shy, they’ve been under a lot of stress and are finding life overwhelming. Underneath it all, there may be someone with a great sense of humour, who is extremely generous and kind. By connecting with them, you will be able to find compassion and understanding for them. Getting to know yourself involves opening doors to the parts of you that you dislike, dismiss or ignore and finding out more about them.
Humans are very skillful at adjusting to their environment in order to have their needs met. If life has taught you that it’s important to please others, you have probably learnt to ignore your own needs and feelings. Perhaps you have a deeply embedded belief that some things are just wrong and you give yourself a hard time when they happen. Perhaps you turn to food or alcohol when you’re upset or under pressure. Or there might be rigidity in aspects of your life and you wish you were more spontaneous. How do you feel about those parts of you that do the “wrong thing”? What would your internal conversation with them sound like? Do you prefer to pretend these parts of you don’t exist?
Listening in
Your internal dialogue and how you treat yourself, impacts your well-being, the way you show up in life and the choices you make. Check in with yourself and see if you can listen in rather than ignore, dismiss and judge what’s happening for you internally. By allowing space for all of who you are can help you understand the parts of yourself you dislike, why they exist and how they once supported you. By getting to know them, you can start to appreciate their role.
You might realise that the rigid part of you that likes to stick to the rules and cleans excessively, keeps things in order and helps you feel safer at times of uncertainty and chaos. By listening to the part of you that lashes out in anger, you might be able to tell when your boundaries are being crossed, what you’re passionate about and what you truly value in life. If you give some air time to the part of you that follows the urge to cut everything off by eating, drinking or scrolling, it may have a lot to say about how things build up and become overwhelming. You may learn about what triggers you and what you might be hungry for in life - Adventure? Passion? Being seen? Purpose?
Our increased awareness itself often causes things to start shifting. It also offers opportunities for developing different coping strategies and self-care tools. How you treat yourself reflects in your relationships with others. Becoming more self-accepting and compassionate improves the way you connect with the people around you.
Quit giving yourself a hard time
When you stop giving yourself a hard time for not being who you think you should be, it frees up a lot of time and energy. Your everyday experience of life will be more authentic and meaningful. Your goals will be based on your own values rather than someone else’s, which will bring a sense of satisfaction and achievement. However, often the way we treat ourselves is automatic and happens without our full awareness. Therapy is a good place to explore this and to give voice to the parts of you that have been covered up or gone into hiding. It is an opportunity to be seen and welcomed just the way you are and met with curiosity and care. It can help you find a new way of relating to yourself and lead to change and healing.
Get curious
If therapy is not available for you at the moment, there are still things you can work on by yourself. Start simply by noticing your inner dialogue. Pay attention to the things you say to yourself about the events in your life and the role you play in them. Next time you criticise yourself, imagine a good friend in your place. Would you speak to them this way? Notice when you feel like you’re about to explode with anger. What had just happened that you might have strong feelings about? Is it possible that they are valid? Notice what you tell yourself about any emotions you are experiencing? Are they allowed? Are they scary? Are you pushing them away and how?
Coming from a place of curiosity instead of rejection or dismissal, will help you find self-compassion and a gentler attitude towards yourself. Being more accepting of yourself exactly as you are, is more likely to bring about change than any efforts to become who you think you should be. You might be surprised by the impact of a seemingly simple act of befriending yourself on your life.
If you liked this article, you may also enjoy the following blogs:
Authenticity: Embracing who you are.
Your body’s voice: Letters from your authentic self.
Contact Daniela to find out more about how you can become friends with you.
