Me, myself and I
The heroes, the villains, the critics, the rejects, and the very ordinary people that reside within our psyche and make us who we are.
Do you sometimes feel like a nasty version of you comes out at times and lashes out at the people you love? Do you have a habit of berating yourself for not doing a good enough job? Is there a part of you that you feel deeply ashamed of and pretend it doesn’t exist? Imagine a house, where all of the different parts that make you your whole human self, get to live together and just be. Imagine none of them needs to change anything about themselves and they all belong. They are all welcome, accepted and loved. They get to all be friends and they have their share of airtime to express themselves fully. Does it sound unlikely, or like a bad idea? You might be surprised what can happen when a part of us that has been suppressed, ignored or dismissed for a long time, gets to simply exist without having to fight for their right to be.
Most of us dislike some part of ourselves. This may be your quiet part, who likes their own company, or the one that talks “too much” when you get anxious. Maybe it’s the impatient side of you that struggles when things aren’t in order. Is it your inner critic or a part of you that is scared of being hurt and makes you go into hiding at the slightest inkling of becoming close to someone? What’s the story you tell yourself about that part of you? Are they allowed to have their say? What happens when this part of you takes over life?
Think of this part of yourself that you’re not very accepting of right now. How have they served you in your life? What were some of the times in your life you needed them to do the thing they do the best - distract or disconnect you from what was happening? Keep you safe by staying away from others? Make sure all boxes are perfectly ticked, so that you get approval (or love) for your achievements? Whatever it was, this part of you likely helped you in some way at some point in your life. Perhaps their services are no longer needed, but shooing them away or ghosting them doesn’t seem to work. In fact, the more we try, the stronger they’re holding on and the louder they seem to get.
While growing up and making sense of the world, we learn quickly what to do in order to have our needs met. One of the most important things for humans is our sense of being loved and accepted and our sense of belonging. It is quite amazing how creatively we can adapt to our environment in order to ensure we get what we need. We pick up on what is valued, what gets us praise and keeps us connected to our caregivers. Is it high achievement, physical appearance or keeping others happy? We learn fast what will keep us safe. Being quiet and becoming “invisible”? Or being tough and never showing emotions? Consider for a moment the part of you that you’re not keen on and think about how they have supported you in life. Imagine you didn’t have that support at the time. Think of what it would have been like getting through those times without what that part of you has done for you. Do you still want to get rid of them?
Let’s go back to our house full of friends who all belong and get to be who they are. Let’s imagine you walk around and have a conversation with each and every one of them. Ask what’s going on for them. Listen to their fears, desires and hopes. You might learn something about yourself. See if you can acknowledge the role each part has played in your life and let them know how much you appreciate what they have done for you. Tell them life's different now and they don’t have to work so hard any more. Let them know they can stay. Tell them that they all belong here.
When we keep a part of ourselves hidden from the world, we may never quite feel loved and accepted. We struggle to trust that the love is real, because we are not showing all of ourselves. Often there is fear that if we did, this love would be withdrawn. We feel like something is always missing and we have trouble feeling like we belong even when on the outside things may look like we’ve got it all. A part of us is not included in the game. We aren’t giving ourselves a chance to experience true connection with others unless we allow our whole self to join in. None of us is flawless and it is our colourful imperfections that make us human.
Learning to accept parts of ourselves that served us well, but are no longer helpful can be tricky. These parts may say and want us to do things that we’re aware don't always work out for us. Gaining the skills to be both accepting of all of who we are and able to make healthy choices can take some time and often the support of a trained counsellor or a psychotherapist. You can start by considering what it is you may be keeping hidden from the world.
