Authenticity: Embracing Who You Are.

Many of us struggle to be ourselves in certain situations. Perhaps due to our fear of other people’s judgement or the story we hold about not being “good enough”, we may act in ways that aren’t authentic. We put on masks, train ourselves to act how we’ve been taught is desirable and say the right things. It’s a lot of work constantly making sure you do what you’re supposed to. It’s exhausting. If this sounds familiar, you may have also noticed that the more this happens, the less you seem to know who you really are. The real you has been covered up by layers of how you’ve learnt to present yourself. What’s more, you might have also disconnected from some really important aspects of yourself along the way - your instincts, values and true passions. So how do you get back in touch with the true you? How do you engage in life in a more authentic and meaningful way?

How we got here

Before we talk about reconnecting with ourselves, I want to acknowledge how most people who have trouble being themselves got here. While growing up, we receive messages about the world and our place in it. A lot of the very important ones come from our caregivers, some from our teachers, coaches, religious figures and, of course, the media. If we’re lucky we get a fairly consistent message that we’re always loved and accepted even when our behaviour is inconvenient, we aren’t perfect and make mistakes. In that case, we’re likely to develop a healthy sense of self. That may be quite different if love, affection and belonging depend on behaving a certain way, our achievements or looks. In order to get our needs met, we’ll do our best to change ourselves and fit this criteria. We may also internalise the belief that we’re not good enough, we don’t belong, we’re unlovable or unworthy of good things in life. What did you learn about being loved and accepted for who you are while growing up? What did you learn about belonging? What’s the message you got about people who were different from others in some way?

Why we disconnect from ourselves

If you are someone whose caregiver would distance themselves or berate you when you expressed anger or what’s often called negative emotions, you probably learnt something important from that. You might hold a belief (whether you’re aware of it or not) that in order to be lovable, you must only have positive emotions. What happens when you experience anger or sadness? Do you allow yourself to feel it? Do you ignore, push it down or talk yourself out of it?

Maybe you received affection when you excelled in sports or academia, but you actually enjoyed spending time in nature listening to birds and exploring. How did you make sense of what it means to enjoy something when it didn't seem valued by those you belonged with? Did you learn to trust what feels good or to do what’s expected of you?

If you are a woman, what did you learn about what’s your main goal in life and the most important thing about you? There is a good chance you might have got the message that you are supposed to focus on being attractive to men, get married and have children. If you’re a man, what did you learn about being male growing up? Were you allowed to express the same emotions as the girls in your life?

What we see modelled to us and how we’re treated while we’re growing up directly impacts the beliefs we form about the world and about ourselves. If a part of our experience is that expressing ourselves fully leads to less connection and less belonging, we learn that parts of us aren’t as lovable or acceptable as others. This may result in disconnecting from them. We pick up on what keeps us more connected and replace the dismissed parts of ourselves with what we believe we “should be like”. The problem is, that when we engage in life as someone we think we’re supposed to be, we’re not really present. This can lead to a whole range of trouble.

Embracing authenticity

So how to be more yourself and less who you thought you needed to be? Start with reflecting on what are some of the things that get in the way of authenticity for you? What are the beliefs you hold about what could happen if you were to express yourself truly? Examine which values and beliefs are really yours and which ones you’ve inherited. Are they serving you well?

Getting in touch with your feelings will help you learn more about your passions, interests and true values. The way we feel in our body, the sensations and emotions we experience, tell us a lot about who we are. When do you feel energised? What seems to leave you drained? When does your body relax? What activities give you a headache? When do you experience joy? What fires up anger in you? Get curious about your emotions without judgement. They are information about what you feel strongly about, what you need and enjoy. Learn more about emotions here.

Be kind to yourself, especially if both of the above suggestions sound very challenging. There may be old wounds that need attention as you start exploring the idea of authenticity. Trying to do this alone could be tricky. You may come across obstacles that get in the way of you accepting parts of yourself. We need a fair amount of self-compassion and self-acceptance to be able to present our real and imperfect self to the world. Experiencing compassion and acceptance from someone else may be helpful if this is a struggle for you. Your journey towards authenticity could start with the support of a skilled counsellor or a psychotherapist. It will be worth your time spent in therapy. Authenticity allows for deeper and more genuine connections with others and enables us to live a more joyful, meaningful and fulfilling life.