How yoga helped me to start healing my relationship with myself
Yoga saved my life by helping me reconnect with myself, others and re-engaging in life.
We’ve probably all heard about the wellbeing benefits of yoga. Maybe you’ve considered yoga, but you think that you’re not bendy and enlightened enough or the idea of chanting “Om” in unison with a bunch of strangers puts you off. Sure, not everything about yoga might be your cup of tea and that’s perfectly fine. The beauty of yoga is that you take what works for you and leave what doesn’t. I’m not about to give you any ground-breaking news about the benefits of yoga in this blog. What I’d like to share with you is how exactly this ancient art of contorting our body into human-sized origami helped me at a time when I really needed it.
At the start of 2011 I returned to the Czech Republic, where I come from, after 2,5 years in Sydney. I was about to turn 30, I had just come out of what I later realised was an abusive relationship and I was feeling very lost. After a few months of hoping to avoid the corporate world, I landed straight in my “old shoes” in a very corporate role at a large international company and my days became filled with things I found meaningless and lacking any real purpose. Most of my friends didn’t have much time for me in their busy lives and even less capacity for the deep connection that I craved. I hated my life and felt misplaced and misunderstood. My 30th birthday was marked by finding myself very alone with creeping thoughts of not wanting to live anymore. Luckily, a big part of me really wanted to live and find a way out of that darkness. I started looking for help. It took a while to find a good therapist and in the meantime, I found a yoga studio. Here’s what happened there.
Being in my body
In the first couple of classes I learnt that I had been living in my head most of my life. My mind was really busy and I literally had no idea that my body was a place I could reside in. I didn’t know how. As someone with a history of an eating disorder, my body never felt very safe and I didn’t like the idea of spending time in there at first. The classes I attended were focused on alignment and involved lots of holding poses for what felt like eternity. This meant I learnt to stay in my body and I started to trust that I wouldn't implode. All of the classes had an element of meditation and breathing exercises, both of which were completely new concepts to me. Although I struggled at first, I quickly realised that I felt different after engaging in these practices. I didn’t quite have the words for it at the time, but now I understand that I started to find some ground underneath me and my nervous system was able to return to a state of calm (even just for short periods of time).
Belonging
One of the most painful things I experienced when I returned home was feeling like I no longer belonged there. These yoga classes felt different. Soon after I started to regularly attend the classes of a particular teacher, she remembered my name and frequently came over to comment on how well I was doing or to adjust me. I felt like I could be me and I was seen. I could be imperfect in my poses and I was accepted, acknowledged, supported and a part of the group. Nobody in the class was perfect. We all fell over at times. I did quite a lot. We laughed together and we also “omed” together. It felt so refreshing and so different to the world outside of the yoga studio.
Finding Strength
I was getting to know my body in a completely new way and realising that I was becoming stronger. I started to build strength in places I didn’t know needed it or could actually be strong - like my toes. What I wasn’t aware of at the time, but can see quite clearly now, is that as my body was getting stronger, so was my mind. Every time I overcame my fear of a new, scary-looking pose, I felt more confident in not just my body, but myself as a whole person. Trying new things with my body helped me trust that I could do hard things outside of the class.
Flexibility
Inevitably, as I was practising yoga about 4 times a week, I was also becoming more flexible. Similarly to building strength, my newly found flexibility reflected in the way I approached problems and challenges outside of the yoga studio. I was starting to see new possibilities and opening up to ideas I found too scary in the past. Some things in life seemed to get “unblocked” or “released”. I felt more comfortable acknowledging and adjusting some old beliefs that weren’t really serving me well anymore. Just as my body was starting to reach new depths in my stretches, so was my awareness and insight. Most importantly, I wasn’t really scared of the pain this metaphorical stretch often involved. Or at least not scared enough to let it stop me from going there. By that point I was in therapy and I wasn’t alone in it.
Balance
You’ve guessed it, here comes another metaphor. As I learnt to plant my feet firmly on the ground, find my focus and let go of any expectations, I started to be able to find a place of equilibrium outside of my yoga practice as well. It translated to the way I felt emotionally and how I responded to life’s challenges. I became more aware of what I could and couldn’t control and focused my attention in places I chose. Just like in my yoga classes, I was still pretty wobbly at times and I often toppled over. It was just a lot easier not to take my falls too seriously and getting up didn’t feel anywhere near as hard as in the past.
Spirituality
I was born and raised an atheist and didn’t closely encounter any form of spirituality until much later in life. I used to be fascinated by my sense of knowing (or feeling) certain things without any factual evidence supporting it and often felt a sense of there being some other power. I didn’t have the words to describe these feelings or anyone to bounce my thoughts off. In my 2,5 years of living on the Northern Beaches of Sydney, I experienced a sense of validation of this spiritual part of me that had been undernourished until then. When I returned to Prague, that part of me once again felt unsafe to stay present, went into hiding and was beginning to become starved. It was in the yoga classes I could feel that part of me slowly emerging from its hideout. I’m not sure if it was the vibrations of our chanting that reconnected me with the ancient wisdom of yoga or simply feeling safe and remembering what was already there, but I learnt that this part of me needs space in my life if I am to stay well.
Self-healing
There is a particularly restorative quality to Iyengar yoga that I wasn’t really aware of when I first started practising it. What I found later was that old injuries I had collected throughout my athletic upbringing and times when I struggled with excessive exercise, started to heal. I could move my body in ways that hadn’t been possible for a long time. There was much less pain and I felt more free. However, the healing that was taking place wasn’t just physical. Even though I didn’t know this at the time, I now believe that I started to let my body know that I would take care of it and make it a safe place to occupy. Through my physical body, the whole of me was getting this message.
Looking back at this time of my life, it feels like a real “rock bottom” moment. Perhaps I would have found something else if it hadn’t been for yoga and hopefully that would have helped just as much. But for me, yoga was the life-boat I came across and managed to drag my tired body onto. I will always be grateful for that. Yoga saved my life then and continues to support me through challenging times as well as ordinary days. If you haven’t already, give it a try yourself. I’d love to hear your story about what helps you cope with life.
While yoga is a great supporting practice that can really assist our healing alongside therapy, it won’t do the unpacking of our problems for us. If you are struggling, reach out to see how counselling and psychotherapy could help you.
If you are currently experiencing thoughts of suicide, please seek help by calling one of the following helplines:
Lifeline Australia: 13 11 14
Beyond Blue: 1800 51 23 48
Suicide Callback Service: 1300 65 94 67
If you are experiencing an emergency, or you are at an immediate risk of harm to yourself or others, please contact emergency services on Triple Zero: 000
