Motherhood

Prior to having my son, who is now 3 years old, I worked in the not-for-profit sector as a women’s health counsellor. I practised yoga and meditation, went for long walks, ate well and had a satisfying social life. I had done a fair bit of personal development and therapy before getting pregnant. I knew myself well and enjoyed my life. I have a wonderful husband, who shares my views on gender equality and who was excited about getting as involved in taking care of our baby as possible. When, after an uncomfortable pregnancy and three days of labour my son finally arrived, I was shocked how little my experience resembled the way motherhood had been presented to me through my life. I felt like I had been tricked into believing that it was all going to come to me naturally, I would simply know what to do and not only would I manage, but I would be loving every minute of it.

The myths about motherhood

One of the things I struggled with the most as a new mum was the sense that I was somehow flawed. All I knew about motherhood came from the way it had been presented to me by society and the women in my life. I saw women with make-up on, playing with their babies, keeping their homes clean, fridges full, hot meals cooked and babies dressed in cute little outfits. I saw women enjoying coffee with girlfriends, while their babies slept peacefully next to them. I saw women running businesses while breastfeeding their newborn. I had assumed that I would find “only” looking after a baby boring, because it was just this thing women did on the side, while they continued doing all the other things they have always done. I put this unrealistic expectation on myself and felt like a complete failure when I couldn’t meet it.

The mix of outdated stereotypes and social media goddess-like presentation of motherhood creates a dangerous trap for women who choose to have children. From our mothers and grandmothers we learnt that you just get on with motherhood. We were told that women have children and if they don’t want kids, there is something wrong with them. And we learnt not to talk about the hard parts, because that would mean we’re not coping and that would be a sign of something fundamentally wrong with us as a woman. There’s also an assumption that women will do all the things around the house, while they’re “at home” with the baby - as if it was a staycation.

From social media we get the idea that we’re supposed to be elated and joyous each day as we engage our baby in sensory play, take him to play dates and make fresh bread while he’s napping peacefully. Then there’s the pressure to breastfeed, use only natural products, be waste-wise and teach your baby to sleep the right way. All the while you are effortlessly gliding through the day in your flowy dress. Without realising it, I had assumed that at least to some extent, this was going to be my experience.

What’s the damage

While I believe that some women do find becoming a mum natural and they love every minute of it, I also know a lot of mums who feel like it challenges the most vulnerable parts of their core being. The trouble with stereotypes is that they distort our views and beliefs. When we believe we’re supposed to manage, because everyone else is coping, admitting that you’re struggling brings up a lot of guilt and shame. Both get in the way of sharing how we really feel and keep us isolated. This contributes to low mood, impacts self-esteem and increases the risk of mental health problems.

Sadly, things like mothers groups, that could be a great source of support, often become a breeding ground for unhealthy competition and judgement. Stereotypes and biases can be perpetuated by that kind of environment. Becoming a mother is such a major change that it throws us into complete unknown. In our effort to make sure we’re doing ok, we can’t help to compare ourselves with other mums around us. Comparison drives us to conform and do the same as others but better. It creates distance between us and those we’re comparing ourselves with. What mothers really need is authentic connection.

“The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new.”

— Rajneesh

Women can’t really go back to who they were before they had a baby. A woman who has had a baby is a different person now. So much happens in a woman’s body and psyche in the process of becoming a mother. Organs have been moved around, hormonal levels changed and she has received an emotional upgrade. She is now on the lookout for danger not only for herself, but also for her child. It’s a lot. There is now plenty of information available about postnatal depletion that helps us understand just how much a female body goes through in the process of becoming a mother, which by the way isn’t completed by the birth of a baby.

A woman’s identity is pretty much dismantled when she has a baby. It can be very confusing to suddenly not really know yourself. On top of that, you have a small human, whose life depends on you and your body (no pressure). There is an entire movement around the term Matrescence. The transformation a woman undergoes in the process of becoming a mother is just as significant as the adolescence phase of our lives. Women often dedicate time to preparation for the birth of their child, but we don’t really talk to future mums about what happens to them after the baby comes. The focus of commonly available post-natal care is almost entirely on the baby. As a result, for many women their journey of motherhood starts with quite a shock. It’s like arriving in an unknown country without a map or a guide, expecting reasonably manageable terrain and nice weather, but instead finding yourself climbing slippery mountains in heavy rain and no shelter in sight.

A more realistic presentation of motherhood will create some space for normalising the chaos life usually becomes after having a baby. It will help women acknowledge and process the conflicting emotions and thoughts they may experience as new mums. It will support mothers in reaching out, opening up and building valuable connections. When we take care of mothers, we build strong communities.

What’s your experience of becoming a mother?
Is your partner struggling after becoming a mum? Don’t tackle it alone, get in touch.