Why feeling angry is OK
Many clients I have worked with have a strong belief that anger is bad. This includes those who are actually very angry about a lot of things in their lives. I have also been conditioned in this way and it was quite a relief for me, when I learnt that anger itself is just another emotion which, if dealt with in a helpful way, passes. The problem is, we often mix up what is anger and what is the behaviour we connect with it. While lashing out, storming out of the room and slamming the door behind you may be initiated by feelings of anger, the emotion itself is not the culprit. It is what we do with our anger that can get us in trouble. Let’s take a look at why feeling angry is OK, what it can teach us and how to manage it so that we don’t end up acting in ways that give anger its bad reputation.
Anger is “just” an emotion
Emotions come up, we experience them and then they pass – if we allow them to do so. Which, of course, isn’t what many people do. I often hear the distinction between “good” and “bad” emotions or “positive” and “negative” ones. This makes things quite tricky. If you believe something is “bad” or “negative”, you’ll probably try to avoid it. Attempting to avoid emotions is never a good idea, mostly because it doesn’t work. Emotions are information and we need them. They’re responses to something happening to us or in our environment. They tell us what we feel strongly about, what we value, enjoy and love. Anger is often a sign that we’re not OK with something that’s happened. Which means underneath that, there is a strong belief or an important value. Perhaps someone has stepped over your boundaries. Or something you’ve just witnessed feels unacceptable, unjust or unfair. All perfectly valid experiences and yet for some reason, when we feel anger in response to them, we often ignore it, dismiss it or talk ourselves out of feeling that way. Whether this stems from your own beliefs around anger or someone else’s, trying to push anger away or pretend it’s not there, is not going to work out well.
What happens with unprocessed anger
When anger doesn’t get acknowledged and processed, it stays stored up within you. Somewhere inside your body there is a place that becomes a container for it. This container, perhaps we can imagine it as a pot, keeps filling up with little irritations, annoyances and things that bother you as you go through the day. When you don’t do anything about them, they keep filling up this metaphorical pot. Until there is no room to fit anything else in and it overflows. Now you’ve got all this boiling hot stuff spilling everywhere and spitting all over the place. Unless you made sure that you sealed the lid on it really well and nothing’s getting out. That might seem like a good idea, until it starts causing trouble elsewhere. Imagine you’re walking around with a pressure cooker inside you. What’s it like to carry this intense pressure around in your body? And how might this be affecting your health? Headaches, insomnia, increased risk of heart disease and stroke, anxiety, depression, high blood pressure and digestive issues are just a few possible symptoms. Whether you’re periodically exploding in rage or staying quiet and getting sick as a result, bottling anger up doesn’t work in your favour.
Own your anger and let it be what it is
Exploring your ideas around what anger is and what it means to be angry can be a good first step to managing anger differently. This might be easier done with the help of a trained therapist, who will ask the right questions with curiosity, empathy and without judgement. Once you’ve made some sense of why you might not be allowing yourself to feel angry, you can start learning to recognise and acknowledge your anger as it shows up. Start noticing even in its pettier presentations - small irritations and annoyances. Name what’s happened and what you feel. Like: “I feel annoyed that my food arrived cold after waiting for a long time” or “I feel angry that people are telling me how to dress and behave”. By acknowledging your emotions, you’re allowing them to just be what they are, instead of pushing them down. When emotions aren’t suppressed, they often pass all by themselves, but sometimes they need a little help to be released.
When anger sticks around
When anger builds up from feeling a bit annoyed to full on rage, telling yourself that things will just pass, probably won’t work. Because anger activates our nervous system, rational thinking is often not available and we are reacting rather than responding. To release this activation, physical movement and other energetic ways of self-regulating can be really helpful. Going for a run, dancing, hitting a pillow, loud singing or screaming - not at someone (into a cushion may feel easier) or even letting out a few loud sighs are helpful ways of releasing your activation. If you have spent most of your life denying yourself any expressions of anger, you might find journaling or painting less intimidating. If you learn to recognise your anger and listen to what’s happening in your body, it will tell you what you need. Tune into any physical sensations or urges to move. You might feel restlessness in your feet, like they really want to stomp or run. Take yourself somewhere, where you can do exactly that. Or there is a sensation of intense energy in your chest and throat, as if something (often something hot) wants to get out. Let out a loud sigh or scream. Your hands might be tightly closed into fists as if about to punch something. Go hit a pillow. Managing anger is, to a large extent, about learning to tune in with your body and acknowledging what you’re feeling without telling yourself that there is something wrong with it.
There are things in life we have very little control over and even though some battles are not worth fighting, it doesn’t mean we can’t have strong feelings about them. Having emotional responses to what happens around and to us, makes us human. Feel your emotions as they come, let them be what they are and if they’re stuck, help yourself release them by listening to what your body needs. Your anger will often point you in the direction of what you’re passionate about and that’s gold, not something to dismiss or ignore. You’re allowed to feel what you feel. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Where and how you choose to direct your anger, that’s a whole different story.
If you liked reading this article, you may also enjoy the following blogs:
Why emotions aren’t your enemy
10 healthy ways to express your emotions
You can also download the free Guide for Processing Emotions.
Reach out to get help with recognising and processing your feelings.
