What is self-care and why it isn’t selfish

More often than not, when we talk about self-care, we are already badly in need of some. Many people find it difficult to even acknowledge that they have needs and allow themselves to focus on them. I believe self-care is not just about regular routines, such as meditation, rest, physical activity and connection with others, although these are really important. For me, the art of self-care is in recognising our needs and responding to them as they come rather than committing to strict “healthy habits”. So, how do we go about applying self-care to life and fitting it into our already busy schedules?

Tuning in and noticing

As the words “self-care” imply, this is all about caring for the self. If we don’t know what our “self” needs, it can be quite difficult to care for it in a helpful way. So many of us walk this planet completely disconnected from our own needs. We are bombarded with information on what we’re supposed to look like, live like, desire and hate. Often these ideas were imposed on us from a very young age and reinforced through our experiences. For many of my clients, the therapy room is the first time they have ever actually thought about what it is they might need. They often think that there’s something wrong with them that needs to be fixed, before they consider that they have legitimate needs, which aren’t being met. We have been conditioned to disconnect from a lot of what our body, mind and soul tell us about what we need, because listening would get in the way of achievement or challenge someone else’s beliefs. For me, self-care starts with re-connecting with the self and hearing it out. Take a moment every couple of days to “check-in” with yourself and notice what’s going on for you. This can be a minute of closing your eyes and tuning in with your body to feel if there is any tension, pressure, pain or fatigue. It’s noticing if your mind is really busy with racing thoughts, if you’re tired, overstimulated or bored. It’s paying attention to how you feel when you think of your upcoming plans. You might be noticing an urge to dance, sing or draw something. How can you best balance your time and energy so that you’re nurturing and nourishing the part of you that needs it most right now.

Routines aren’t always the answer

While having a routine can really support us with sticking to healthy habits - and for some people it really works - if it becomes rigid or forceful it might be time to reassess if it is still self-care. Religiously waking up at sun-rise to do a yoga practice when you’re sleep deprived, might not be very caring. Forcing yourself to socialise when you are desperate to have some “me time” won’t exactly fill your cup. Sometimes, the best self-care can be dinner with friends, even if it involves pizza and a glass of wine. If tuning in with your body tells you that there’s some energy (or maybe anger) that needs to be released, going for a run can feel great. When you feel fatigued, it might be more appropriate to go have a massage or you might just want to sit down with a good book. The point is, just sticking to a routine or a habit, might completely miss the idea of caring for yourself. If you listen and hear what the whole of your human being needs, you’re much more likely to find that precious balance self-care is all about. Even more so, if you’re telling yourself that you “must” or “should” stick to your routine, I’d like to gently invite you to reflect on a couple of questions: What will happen if you don’t? Who told you that or how do you know? What’s the reason or your goal for engaging in this activity? Could there be something you might find more nurturing and nourishing right now? What would that look like?

Playtime and exploring

For many people play and exploration is one area of life and being human that often gets forgotten or at least neglected as they become adults. Allowing our playful side to come out and take up space can really enrich our well-being and is an important part of self-care. When was the last time you got lost in an activity and forgot about time? When did you last do something just for fun? Is there an activity that you really enjoy, but don’t spend much time doing? What gets in the way? Sometimes it can be helpful to do a bit of exploring and getting to know yourself to figure out what play is for you. Journaling can be a good way to reflect and help you get in touch with what you might be missing or unaware of. We often feel like we have to be good at something to engage in it. Truth is, we don’t have to be excellent dancers in order to have fun dancing. We don’t have to be professional artists to be able to experience joy while painting. Are there stories you tell yourself about some of the activities you like, but don’t allow yourself to do? What if you just let yourself experiment and see if you can re-write that narrative? Imperfection is a part of being playful and allowing time for play is essential for our overall well-being.

How does caring for yourself benefit others

For a lot of people, the biggest obstacle for engaging in self-care is the common misconception that it is somewhat self-indulgent and selfish. While self-care itself is inwardly focused, the benefits of it are far-reaching. Remember the advice we get on the plane? In the event of an emergency, we put on our own oxygen mask before helping others. In the same way, we can’t be very helpful to anyone when our own energy isn’t getting restored. But that’s only a part of the reason why self-care is not selfish. When you take care of yourself, you feel more present with your loved ones and respond, rather than react in your interactions. This leads to healthier and happier relationships with family, friends and others within your community. If you are a parent, you are very likely to be more patient with your children as a result of your own self-care. Self-care leads to higher productivity and less time off work due to sickness, mental exhaustion and burnout. You’re also more likely to actively engage in your community when your own internal resources are being refilled. Self-care isn’t just about taking care of your own well-being, you’re also modelling this behaviour to your children and others in your life. This way you are shaping the beliefs people hold about what self-care is and the fact that it is not a luxury or a selfish act, but a necessity. Our communities will be healthier when people understand that they have the right and responsibility to care for their own well-being.