The Insidious “Shoulds”
Have you ever stopped and listened to the way you speak to yourself internally or about yourself to others? Do you often use the words “I should” in these conversations?
In one of my first blogs ‘Become Friends with You’, I talk about the way we treat ourselves and how it impacts our overall wellbeing, relationships with others, the choices we make and the way we show up in life. The language we use when talking to or about ourselves can be a powerful tool for motivation, self-empowerment and healing. It can also do plenty of harm. If we become aware of what we do with our language, we can learn to use it in a helpful way. But first, here’s why you might want to erase the word “should” from your vocabulary.
It’s loaded with criticism and judgement
When you search for the word “should” in the Oxford dictionary, this is what you get:
“used to indicate obligation, duty, or correctness, typically when criticising someone's actions”.
There is an implication of not doing or being what you’re supposed to, which often comes with a sense of inadequacy, failure, feelings of guilt and shame. The word “should” creates an idea that the way things (or people) are is not good enough or that something is lacking. It carries a lot of judgement and criticism. Using words with these underlying messages when referring to ourselves can negatively impact our self-esteem. It can also reinforce the, usually already existing, pressure to conform and perform. As a result, this small, simple word can increase our stress levels and contribute to feelings of overwhelm and anxiety.
It takes us away from the present moment
Imagine you’re catching up with some friends, maybe walking along the beach and all you’re thinking is “I should be writing my assignment” or “I should get the housework done”. You might even be saying some of these things out loud. While the assignment or housework aren’t getting done any quicker, you’re not present to your friends’ company and you’re missing out on what’s happening in the present moment. You’re probably also feeling guilty about not doing what “you’re supposed to” and if you miss anything about the conversation, you’ll end up feeling guilty about that too. While you’re telling yourself that you “should be a better friend” and pay attention to what your friends’ are saying, you might actually be feeling stressed about your work not getting done. And out pops another “should” as you tell yourself how you “should be more organised” or “should manage your time better”. All the while you’re disconnected from the present moment and becoming distant from the people around you, which can lead to you feeling lonely.
It dismisses our experience
By telling ourselves what our experience “should” be, we’re dismissing what it actually is. Statements like “I should be happier, grateful or more sociable” dismiss the way we are in the world right now without acknowledging or accepting it. You might be working through grief, so being grateful for all that you have would be dismissing the very real sadness that you’re experiencing. If you’re not as happy as you’d expect yourself to be, what’s getting in the way? Is something missing in your life? Perhaps that’s something important and allowing yourself to become aware of it could help you find it. Is it possible that you might be more introverted and don’t actually enjoy being very sociable? And most importantly, where are all these ideas coming from? Who said things are supposed to be that way?
“Shoulds” rob us of our choice
Have you ever asked yourself, whose decision was it, when you say you “should” do something? Even if it was actually your decision, by using this expression you’re indicating that something or someone else knows better and they’ve decided that this is how things are supposed to be. They wrote the rules and you’re meant to follow them. Using the word “should” implies the decision is not yours and it is out of your control somehow. You’re handing over your autonomy and freedom by saying that you’ve not chosen this, this is just how things are meant to be. So whose decision is it? Why do they get to decide? “They” are usually society and its norms, deep seated beliefs based on our upbringing and values we hold, some of which might be quite outdated and unhelpful. It can be really interesting to start asking yourself these questions and challenging some of these ideas about what you “should” and “shouldn't” do or be.
Try replacing “should” with alternatives
Becoming aware of using this sneaky word and its implications won’t happen overnight and it can be helpful to just start by noticing when it happens without actually changing anything at first. As you do that, you might realise how you feel when you’re “shoulding” yourself. This can strengthen your desire to talk to and about yourself differently. Try replacing “I should” with “I choose to”, “I will” or “I want to/would like to”. Notice the difference between saying “I should go for a walk more often” and “I want to go for a walk more often” or “I should say ‘no’ to unreasonable requests” and “I will say no to unreasonable requests”. Or instead of “I should make more time for self-care”, “I would like to make more time for self-care”. Words that suggest you have a choice and that you’ll be the one making the decision, is empowering in itself. Try practising this and paying attention to how your body is responding to the words you use in relation to yourself. It will give you a very good indication of what is helpful and what’s not. You might even start working on the tone of voice you use with yourself.
What may lie beneath your “shoulds”
When you catch yourself wanting to use the word “should” in regards to your own actions or experiences, you might notice that there is some tension or an inner conflict. Perhaps a part of you wants to do something and there may be another part of you that is holding you back. More than likely, there is a very good reason for this. Most of us learnt that certain things earn us others’ acceptance and love. We all want those things. And frankly, we need both of those things. When there are terms and conditions to comply with in order to receive love and acceptance, we often learn to adjust. As children we had very little control over such circumstances and learning how to have our needs met is an act of survival. As adults, however, we have a lot more say about what we comply with and what rules we choose to follow. This is something to get curious about.
Depending on how patterns like these impact your life and your wellbeing, it could be a good idea to unravel them with the help of a good therapist. Sometimes the reasons we use certain language with ourselves can be loaded and you might appreciate having some support to unpack them.
