All the parts that make you whole
The internal disconnect that disrupts your relationships with others and how to start healing.
Do you sometimes feel like a version of you comes out, lashes out at the people you love and you have control over it? Do you have a habit of berating yourself for not being good enough? Is there a part of you that you feel deeply ashamed of, one you’d rather pretend doesn’t exist? Picture a place where all the different parts that make you whole get to live together and simply be. Imagine knowing that they are all just trying to help and they all belong. In this place, they are all welcome, accepted and loved. Does it sound impossible, or like a bad idea? You might be surprised what can happen when a part of you that has been suppressed, ignored or dismissed for a long time finally gets some airtime and starts to feel heard, seen and understood.
The part of you that causes trouble
Most of us dislike certain parts of ourselves. TIt might be your quiet part, the one that feels uncomfortable in groups, or the one that talks “too much” when you’re anxious. Maybe it’s the part that panics when things aren’t perfectly in order. Is it your inner critic or a part of you that is scared of being hurt and makes you go into hiding at the slightest inkling of becoming close to someone? What’s the story you tell yourself about that part? What happens when it takes over and starts to run the show? It can feel like erasing this part of you is the best solution.
Every part of you has a story
Picture a part of yourself that you struggle to accept. Can you think of some of the ways it has served you in the past? What were some of the times in your life you needed this part of you to do the thing they do? Were there times when you needed this part to step in and do what it does best — to help you avoid pain, to protect you from rejection, to keep you safe? Maybe it distracted you from feelings that were too overwhelming, or made sure you ticked all boxes perfectly to earn approval (or love) through achievement? Whatever its strategy, this part most likely supported you at some point in your life. Perhaps it’s not helpful anymore, but trying to get rid of it doesn’t seem to work. Especially if it still believes its services are needed and you haven’t yet learned another way to take care of yourself.
Why we are the way we are
As we grow, we quickly learn what we have to do to have our needs met. The need for love, acceptance and belonging is fundamental to being human. This is so essential that nature equipped us with the ability to adapt to our environment and shape ourselves around what’s valued and rewarded by our caregivers. We pick up on what gets us praise and keeps us connected. Was it achievement, appearance, or keeping everyone around you happy? Did you stay safe by being quiet or becoming “invisible”? Or being tough and never showing emotions?
All parts of you are welcome
Let’s return to that place where all your different parts belong and everyone gets to stay. Imagine walking through it, meeting each one, and asking what their job is, what their fears and hopes are, how they came to take on their role. Acknowledge the role each part has played in your life and thank them for their effort. Let them know you’re now a fully grown adult, that life is different, and you can take care of yourself. Show them they no longer need to work so hard, that they can rest, or perhaps find a new role. Let them know they can stay. You’ve got their back. They all belong here — in your inner world.
True connection
When parts of us aren’t allowed to exist, we can never feel fully loved and accepted. We struggle to trust that love is real and wouldn’t be withdrawn if we showed up as our whole self. We may fear that if others saw the parts we hide, they’d turn away. No matter how much we’re reassured, we can still feel like frauds, waiting to be found out. Meanwhile, from the outside, things may look like we have it all together. When a part of us is excluded from life, we aren’t giving ourselves a chance to experience true connection. None of us are flawless and it’s our colourful imperfections that make us fully human.
Learning to accept the parts of ourselves that once served us well, but are no longer helpful, can be challenging. It often requires support from a trained counsellor or a psychotherapist. Reach out if this article resonates with you and you would like to start healing your inner world, work on improving your relationships with others and creating a more fulfilling life.
